Thank You

This past week (or slightly more than a week) has been a total rollercoaster for me, one from which during my worst moments (which were constant) I never thought I would recover. I want to thank everyone for picking up my slack and posting some very funny, lighthearted and telling posts during my topic week (hey, one good thing: at least no one will complain about my posting all about politics! Actually, one one person really complained about that, but they can remain nameless. Stephanie.) I am currently trying to recover (without getting TOO personal here) and have seen a team of nurse practitioners at a ER-type hospital (not much help at all there), my regular doctor and a psychiatrist. As time goes on, I hope to be back to normal, whatever that means. I am feeling a little bit better today than I did yesterday, and yesterday I felt ever so slightly better than I did the day before. I will take progress however it brings itself.

I never thought I would be one of "those people." I've always been exceptionally healthy. I used to work in a mental health center where I had to wait on and deal with "those people" (albeit the people in those places are quite a bit more around the bend). Now I sit and find myself having been preliminarily diagnosed with depression, panic disorder, and a form of obsessive compulsive disorder. I have been prescribed Zoloft (really too soon to judge whether or not it has helped, but very early effects seem to point to the fact that it will) and have been taking some Klonopin for the moments when the panic/anxiety hits back. All this happened one moment to the next- Thursday night I sat, watching Bullitt on DVD and finishing up one of my hundred books on politics, looking forward to the good nights sleep I was about to enjoy and the work activities I had planned for the next day. The next minute a single thought entered my brain and it was as if that thought was a droplet of water through a little crack in the dam- and then the dam burst. For the next six days, my mind, emotions, soul etc. were put in total hell. I had panic attacks of such severity that my heart felt as if it would just give up in pounding and my arms had turned numb. I had racing, intrusive thoughts in my head to loud and disturbing that I could not be still- I have walked so much my feet and legs are in major pain (and are probably in great shape- should I get the chance to kick someone, I'd imagine I'd do some good damage). Part of what my problem is, I believe, is that I've gone though life worried about the exceptionally "worldly" things, and let those things fill gaps in my life and in my soul/spirit where other things should be- I come home and do nothing but yell at the TV watching political shows. I rage at my having to sit in traffic longer than I'd want. I argue about the stupidest and most mundane of things. And I never pay attention to my spirit and what it might need. Any thoughts of the overall bigger picture of life, the universe, my soul, god or whatever one might wish to call it, etc., I would just as soon push out of my mind. This crisis period has taught me that I need to pay attention to those gaps in my heart and soul. As my girlfriend says, "stop the smell the roses." That simple phrase seems to mean so much more than the very basic thought behind it- life is more than the sum of what we see and do. Life is more than whether or not my car has a good sound system. Life is more than if some politician made a jerk of himself on TV. Life is more than where we decide to eat tonight, or what someone decided to wear out to a function. I miss the connections, the moments. So quite possibly this crisis of mine was a way to see that I need to re-evaluate my life and the way I live it. Instead of shying away from the bigger pictures of life, from my spirit and my soul, I should embrace these things. I should look around me sometimes, and notice that life is more than just what we may see on the surface. Maybe this crisis was my soul/spirit/whatever one might wish to call it, tugging on me to address the bigger picture and the larger questions of my life and the world I live in. It's also been a crying out to address the spiritual issues (or, specifically, the lack thereof) in my life; as I was not raised religious or spiritual in the least, really, I've never resolved my spiritual issues one way or another. (This doesn't mean I'm looking to become a Christian- but I do believe everyone has a soul and I do believe there is more to life than we see here, I just never allowed myself to think about it, and apparently I NEED to think about it).

Also it was apparently my brain telling me I have all kinds of crazy shit wrong with me. I never thought that I, me!, would ever be diagnosed with things like serious depression, panic disorder, and OCD. But, alas, it can happen to the best of us, I suppose (or the worst of us, depending on what one might think of me).

This is about as personal as I'd usually be willing to get here (actually, this is way MORE personal than I'd ever get), but I thought I'd fill everyone who reads here in on what is going on with me. My posting here may continue to be sporadic for some time now. I apologize in advance for that. My hope is, that with therapy, some medication, and a different approach to my life, I will emerge a better version of myself. We shall see, I suppose. I probably won't be berating ol' anonymous anymore! But if I miss my day to post, please feel free to pick up my slack, or just let that day slip by, or see who can do the best impression of my and how I might respond, whatever.

Again, I want to thank all of my co-posters here for their kind personal words and well-wishes to me, and for picking up my topic week and making it much better than it would ever have been if I had've done it myself. If anyone would like to leave something in the comments, maybe something that relates to what I'm going though, I would be very interested in reading it. (I would ask for no sarcastic or jerky comment though - which our "regulars" would never do - just because I'm still getting over some serious stuff here). Thanks again.

So this is my "official" post for this week (though not a topic, of course). Jane, I'll leave it to the tag-fairy to place tags, if any, in their spot.