By request, this week's theme is "America: Why We Think It's So Great." Maybe it should have been last week's theme, and this week we could've talked about France or something, since Bastille Day is Saturday. But you know. Hindsight. And who better to ring in the week of posting about America's greatness than the only non-American on BSG?
As many of you know, I moved to Florida from Nova Scotia when I was 13. It was a big change in a lot of ways. First, the town I lived in in Canada, Berwick, was puny. It had a population about 2000 people. There was no fast food restaurant (though I guess now they have a Tim Horton's), no movie theater (the nearest was 30 miles away. Or maybe it was 30 km away. I don't really remember the metric system), and no high school.
So when I moved to Lake City, Florida, it was a pretty big difference, because they had every fast food restaurant, a big fucking Wal-Mart, and a movie theater right there in town that had SEVEN WHOLE SCREENS! Can you imagine? They could show SEVEN movies at once! Though when I got there in 1993 I think six of them were still showing Jurassic Park. But this was still exciting to me. As a kid in Berwick I had to drive 30 minutes to get to a two screen movie theater in Kentville, a huge town that had like 5000 people. Although in my small Canadian town we could go to the drug store and buy comics, which you couldn't do in Lake City. So I had to stop collecting Darkhawk.
But those are all issues that I would have encountered had I moved to a larger Canadian town. The fact of the matter is (and I'm sure every Canadian will disagree with me), Canada and America are pretty much identical in every way, except politically Canada is like if the American Green Party won every election here for the past 30 years. And there's a woman on the money. And I'm not talking about the lame-o dollar coins you never see that Sacajawea and Susan B. Anthony tag team on. Also people like Hockey and delude themselves into thinking Canada is racism-free and has never had slavery.
I guess what I'm trying to say by drawing similarities between Canada and America is that I have a right to talk about America and what's good about it, even if some people might say "Ha ha, but you're from Canada, isn't that aboot right, eh? Ha ha." Yeah, that's been real fucking funny every time I've heard it for the past 14 years.
Now I'm really off topic. This is why it's not a good idea to ever let me introduce something. One thing I really love about America, and especially the American south (where I've lived for 14 years) is that a lot of different cultures come together. Sometimes it's a big train wreck of multiculturalism, and people start saying things like "Deport all illegal immigrants right NOW for GOD'S AMERICA" or something, but usually it's pretty beautiful. The university I teach at (I don't teach grammar) has the most diverse undergraduate body in America. And while most of them still believe everything the president says, it's still nice to have an ethnically diverse background in my classes. It makes me feel comfortable for some reason. It's always a little weird when I go up north (well, southern Illinois, not really north) to visit my parents and it's mainly just white people, with a small black population segregated to one part of town. Those kinds of places make me feel uncomfortable. But the south is this great hodgepodge of white culture, black culture, and Hispanic culture, (mostly, but in Houston there are huge Vietnamese, middle eastern, and south Asian populations, too). It really feels like a part of planet earth when it's not just a bunch of white people everywhere.
Also, American movies are the best. American television is the best. American music is the best. There are obviously some directors or musicians here and there from other countries that are great, but the vast majority of great films, shows, and music come from America. So America wins for pop culture, too.
As well as literature. American poetry is the best poetry there is right now, also. It's especially the best english language poetry. British poetry has been completely awful since Auden, and even he moved to America and never looked back. So sorry, England. Also, most Canadian poetry (I don't want to link any since I'll be applying to at least one Canadian creative writing PhD program [oh, that's "programme"]) is pretty terrible too. (I should note that my poetry is not good in any way, and gets consistently rejected by Canadian journals. So I don't have room to talk I guess. But this is America! Land of bitter complaints and sour grapes! I'll do what I want!) And if you want to get technical, most American poetry is really bad. That means I can't fault England and Canada too much. I just haven't seen too much great stuff from them. And who am I kidding by thinking you guys didn't just skip this paragraph as soon as you saw the word "poetry," anyway?
There's a lot of other great stuff about America, but this post is already kind of long, and I don't want to take away things from other people. So I'll save my other stuff for the comments field. And while I did recently claim to want to move back to Canada in my myspace blog, it is basically the same thing as the USA except colder, so it could just be my frustration with certain elements of America that led me to say that.
PS - Also, I don't want to hear from anybody about how the country I'm talking about is not called "America," but is really called "The United States Of America." Yeah, I know America is the continent. What am I, 15? Nobody is going to read this post and think I'm talking about the entire new world as one entity.
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27 comments:
You have really got to start traveling more, my friend. That whole section about the south being diverse and the north not being diverse is all kinds of messed up. You seem to be forgetting that the cultural makeup of your parent's current town is essentially EXACTLY just like what Lake City is like. Also, NYC is in the "north" and it's amazingly diverse. In fact, America has gotten to this point where I'm not even sure you can say certain parts of the country are diverse and other parts aren't. You can say that about certain cities or states maybe, but I don't know that it's safe to make such a broad statement about any bigger area. Anyway, I know you don't think flat out "south=diverse, north=not diverse" but please in the future let's use a little bit clearer vocabulary.
Also, I thought the L.C. theater only had five screens?
No, there were seven. Two up front, four in the back.
Also, according to my friend Sophie who lived in New York all her life, although NYC is "diverse," all of the different ethnic groups segregate themselves. So Houston wins again.
And my parents town in Illinois only has like 5% black people, whereas Lake City has (according to ole resourceful wikipedia) 40%. My parents town is kind of scary.
1. "Tim Hortons" does not have an apostrophe. Tim Horton, of course, spent some of his career playing for the Toronto Maple Leafs.
2. Scottish people say "aboot", Canadians do not. The latter say "a-boat". I don't understand why Americans can't hear that.
3. America and Canada aren't "pretty much identical in every way"; I guess they're closer than probably any other two countries in the world, except maybe San Marino and Italy, though.
You call bullshit on Canada a couple of times and that's good. I think it's idealized by too many progressive minded Americans, which is why I was interested in this topic to begin with. Most of what's good in Canada can be found in the US. A lot of what you think is good in Canada is only as good as it is in the US.
That being said, when presented with the option of me moving Stateside or Caitlin moving here, we went with the latter.
And in response to the last few comments, there seems to be a disconnect between cultural diversity versus ethnic diversity. Having people with different skin colours but who generally hold the same ideas beliefs isn't diverse in any meaningful way.
Glenn-> Given that Houston is in Texas, it is predestined to always automatically lose. Your friend Sophie seems to be unaware that there is this whole giant borough of NYC called "Brooklyn" where cultures mix and mingle and make me the minority on every train. She probably grew up on the Upper East Side or something where everyone is a WASP with a trust fund. Why do you insist on always believing other people instead of me when you know I'm ALWAYS RIGHT?
Sean, I looked up Tim Hortons before I wrote it, but decided to go with the apostrophe anyway. Is that a Canadian grammar rule, that you don't need an apostrophe to denote ownership? Or is that just some Tim Hortons thing? Like the Maple Leafs, as you said?
And when I said the US and Canada are similar in every way, I obviously didn't actually mean every way, since I listed like 5 differences immediately. But there was not much of a culture shock when I moved from Canada to America. I was 13, so I guess I could adapt. But the two countries are not very different. Though I too have been thinking about moving back to Canada, lately.
And the black/white thing in America doesn't really represent cultural diversity, you're right. Especially in the south, where black and white culture are basically the exact same thing. But here in Houston, as I mentioned, there are a lot of different groups with different cultural beliefs and traditions. So that's nice.
Also, I meant to say there are two up front, five in the back on my comment on the movie theater earlier.
Finally, Laurie, you will never convince me that there is anything good about New York at all. Sorry. Even when I go there in February, I will never admit that there is anything good about the city. Because there probably isn't.
Glenn, I believe I stated this in some earlier comments, but I really can't stand the way you frequently just decide to hate something and then end up hating it forever even tho you know damn well that it's awesome. NYC is awesome and you know it, you just don't want to go back on something you said earlier. Well I think it's about time you ate some crow, because this town is fucking AWESOME.
(The "Tim Hortons" thing must be poetic license. Most other places I can think of have apostrophes: "Wendy's" and "McDonald's" come to mind. The "Maple Leafs" thing isn't a question of possession. It's headedness. Yes, that's a word.)
God Bless America. The proverbial God, of course.
Wasn't Sean the one who came up with this topic? You're going to have to be a little more thick-skinned when were talking about why America is good, then, even if we're comparing it to Canada.
I give Glenn a hard time about Houston and Texas, but I know a lot of people who really love it there.
Glenn,
Excellent post...and since I never ever comment on your posts, well...
You're right about the South being the most integrated part of the country. People don't believe it because of the South's past (all of which is justified). But the truth is, Southern culture IS a mixed culture. I could rattle off a thousand examples.
Also, Texas is the greatest state in the Union...the ONLY state to be its own country. TEXAS!
My sister lives in Chicago, and, like NYC, she comes home and tells me how wonderfully diverse it is! How she can go to Chinatown or to the Polish neighborhoods and eat in their restaurants...and I say, "Wait wait wait. The ethnic groups in your city have NEIGHBORHOODS!?!?"
That ain't how we roll in the TX. We break ourselves up according to how high your hair is and how much your Stetson cost.
Anywho, good to see you this Fourth. Had a ball blowing up that watermelon.
I'm drunk.
Much love.
Andy B.
It’s so sad that as a fine and upstanding Canadian boy you were thrown into the armpit of America to live among degenerates like the fatuous Nick (you know, the asshole who “works with numbers” but can’t do numerical analysis). We all admire you for climbing out of that cesspool, washing off the stench (mostly coming from putrid Nick, I think) and becoming a beautiful poet. I don’t know how you accomplished this. It’s probably still too painful for you to talk about it, but perhaps someday you will honor and inspire the world by writing your story. I pray that the chapters describing Nick in public restrooms will be brief. It’s regrettable that the devil continues to successfully spawn the likes of Nick and his ilk. They are the loathsome and damnable who equate toilet-time with sexytime.
There are regions in the US, like near Boston where I live (I’m a sophomore at Harvard, by the way. Hopefully, someday, we will meet at a poetry reading.) where boorish assholes like Nick are quickly banished. Too bad that your family didn’t move to anywhere in New England where you wouldn’t be tainted and scared for life by having been associated with the dregs of Lake City.
wow.. and i thought the lovely "linda c." was just a bitch. turns out she is a troll, too!
But at least she's a smart troll. I think that's what it means when someone's a sophomore at Harvard...how kind of her to spell that out, just so we would understand who we're dealing with.
Again, I'd just like to point out that Linda C is not "our" Linda, who is Linda T, and who posts under the pseudonym of krayzykatlady.
oh, HAAAHHHR-ved! And here I thought she was just a bitter, obsessive psycho. Turns out she's a RICH bitter, obsessive psycho.
That really makes her much harder to stomach.
Linda C., if you have an issue you'd like to debate, then fine, let's do it. But if you just want to mock and name call without any substantial train of thought or reasoning behind it, then go bother someone else's blog. and don't try so hard to prove you're intelligent in the middle of such ignorant ranting.
Wow...That Linda is a hateful bitch, eh? She can't post her shit over at my blog so she comes over here. Just can't let go, can you, Linda? A sophmore at Harvard? I seriously doubt it.
And that "fine upstanding Canadian Citizen" is one of my best friends. So you are basically calling him as asshole too? Does your "god" sanction you going about writing disgusting and inflammatory comments about other people?
I do work with numbers. What the fuck do you do? You seem to have no occupation, since you spend your time trolling from one blog to another. And I took apart your "numerical analysis" on the other blog. So you've GOT NOTHING. The proof that you have nothing of anything approaching substance to say is in your ad hominem attacks and your lack of any real argument. Provide me some numerical analysis on the STD rate in South Florida (which is where the fuck I was talking about- so by the way, until you move down here from "Harvard," where you don't actually go to school, you can shut the fuck up about issues taking place here, in a place you don't live). Let's see some analysis on the amount of homosexual vs heterosexual arrests for sex acts in public places (homosexual sex acts are virtually nonexistent in public places, though Ft.L's mayor was specifically singling out homosexuals as his reason for his privacy-robbing tax-money guzzling gaybashing robot toilet system). Let's see your numerical analysis for the rate of gun violence here in traditionally "safe" areas. Let's see the high-school dropout rate. Let's see numbers on the growing poverty rate. And you think that curbing a couple of gay guys who have sex in public restrooms (or heteros, if you want to include them, though Mayor Naugle wasn't) is more important?
Also, I wasn't aware Harvard admitted people who thought two homosexuals could spawn a child. If their standards have lowered that much, I will be applying soon.
No where did I "equate toilet time with "sexytime"" (how FUCKING stupid are you?!? Sexytime?!?). Please show me where I did. And show me where I am "boorish"? You're posting here amongst people who are my friends who post things much more "boorish" than I do (no offense, guys) and you come along and post disgusting personal attacks and then call me boorish? Wow. I mean, I remember my anonymous friend from a while back, but you have now taken his crown.
I think you are either serious (in which case you are a total nut job) or you are just a troll. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you're a total nut job.
Lastly, one thing seems certain- you were conceived in a public restroom. I mean, that has to be the case. Why else would you be so hot for this subject? I posted two sentences over on my blog and commented that there are way, way more important public policy priorities than gaybashing and worrying about people doing it in public restrooms (which those people will just move to other places where they can catch a quickie- and no, I've never done it in a public restroom. I don't even like to enter public restrooms. At my job, the restroom is private- but, alas, you seem to have no job, so I can at least grant you some leeway since you probably spend some time in public restrooms). You posted insults (because you have no argument) and then followed me over to this blog. So I'd say our friend Linda here was conceived in a public restroom, probably in one of those little stalls, though maybe (if she was lucky) in the larger handicapped ones, and she just can't let go of it. Let go of it, darling. At least you were conceived, right? I mean, maybe your god wanted you conceived that way. Then you can rail against all those bathroom conceptions! No more sex in bathrooms! As you said "only in the room with the lights out in the missionary position," with the woman feeling no pleasure and the man finishgin within three minutes, tops, as to insure no pleasure was had during sex, since it's only to procreate. Right?
People who are so irrational about such stupid things and go on personal attacks and rants and get all psychotic do so because there's an underlying mental problem triggered by an issue. Your issue is public restrooms and sex for things other than procreation. I'm just applying analysis here.
You attack becasue you know I'm right, and you are oh so wrong. And dumb as a box of rocks to boot. You're not welcome on my blog, and I'd suggest you are no longer welcome here either.
Glenn, if you were trying to wash the stench of Nick off of you, Texas was not the place to go for that. In fact, you might have made it worse!
I'd love for this Linda creature to read some of your poems! Oh beautiful, non-boorish as they all are.
Jen, this apeshit girl does not go to Harvard. She's posting from a public library computer. She has no issue to debate, because I took her "issue" and tore it apart.
That tears it, I'm having kids. I can't let people like her procreate and me not- I can't let fundamentalist reactionary wackos take over- I need my kid to kick Linda's kid's ass.
Dear Linda C,
I find it pretty amusing that you would choose to insult someone you have never met before on a forum where there is a minimum of TEN people who actually know and like that person. I've known Nick since we were about fifteen and so I have a good ten+ years of evidence that not only is he a nice guy, he's also very intelligent. I would think your fucking overrated ivy league school that your mom and dad probably got you into through very generous alumni contributions would keep you so busy that there wouldn't be time left in the day to troll around on the internet insulting people you don't know and towns you've never been to before, but apparently that's not the case. Maybe if you had better things to do with your time you wouldn't be so damn concerned with what other people do or do not do in bathrooms. Get a life bitch, because we seriously don't need you horning in on ours.
Much love,
laurie
Laurie, thank you. Fifteen? It's been a long time, hasn't it. Remember Sonic? Good times.
Yeah Nick, I'm pretty sure it really has been that long. The first time I saw you was in the lunch room at CHS. You were having lunch with Jason Allen (who I met at age FIVE) and I thought, "who is that cute guy sitting with Jason?" The I ate lunch with you guys.
Jason Allen!!!! Oh my God, what happened to him? And I do remember you eating luch with us. That was a long freaking time ago.
I remember working with you at Sonic. I hated that place. You were so funny making the ice cream and stuff (that's what you did, if I remember correctly).
I don't really know why we're all taking it at face value that Linda C goes to Harvard. Not that it's impossible for crazy dumb lame-o's to go there, but I mean, who drops that in a flame? I also like that she for some reason equates Harvard with poetry.
Anyway, Nick is not dumb as anyone who reads this blog knows, and it really is bizarre that anybody could get so angry over the topic of public restroom sex. Linda C is obviously a crazy bitch. Or maybe she just has some specific personal crusade against bathroom sex. Maybe going to the bathroom turns her on, and she is ashamed of that? (PS - don't be ashamed. This is the world of the internet! There are hundreds of webpages for every fetish, Linda C.)
I do hope to someday "honor and inspire" the world with my beautiful (?) poetry, whatever that means. But it's hard to write poetry when I'm so terrified all the time. I mean, living in Lake City did leave me "scared for life," after all.
In conclusion, Nick is cool, Linda C. is a bitch.
Oh, and thanks Andrew for commenting. You heard a lot of what I said in my post the other night. Also I wish somebody videotaped us blowing up that watermelon. Next time!
Thanks for the defense. But I think we've given this person way too much airtime here- she's like a terrorists--we keep talking about her, and she hasn't come back to show her face because she was so obviously in the wrong. Time to move on.
Fair enough, Nick. I'll not continue.
Except to say that she's well on her way to being a special brand of asshole: failed intellectual.
My Dearest Nicholas,
(Excuse me for using the formal version of your lovely name but I don’t want you to think that if I used Nick, I regard you as friend, you are most certainly not a friend.)
May I ask you: Why the anger? Why the rage? Why the hate?
I am a very sensitive lady, and you’ve hurt my feelings. You caused me to weep and for that I shall never forgive you. This will be my last post to your precious blog.
Since you seem oblivious to the motivation behind my earlier comments, I’ll state it as plainly as possible: I was just messing with you, yanking your chain, trying to have some fun. Where is your sense of humor? Is the purpose of your blog to be dead serious all of the time? (I was going to write that every now-and-then I like to climb down from my high horse and play with clueless numbskulls like you--but I won’t say it. You’d probably take it as an insult and start ranting at me again. I trust that you’ll think well of me for holding back.) It you weren’t so damn envious of my superior numerical-analysis skills (Note 1) I think you could have seen what I was up to. This could have been a lot of fun.
For the record, I enjoy a good screw as much as any of the girls here, maybe even more so, because I’m HOT! Under the right circumstances I could even have done the nasty with you or Glenn. Well, especially Glenn. He’s an exotic Canadian poet for god’s sake. I’ve dreamed of a hard shagging by one of them for what seems like eternity. I pray my dream comes true some day.
I’ll now go back to my own blog. Don’t bother looking for it. It’s exclusive and admittance is by invitation only. You must be an Ivy League student or alumni to be admitted. Well, there are a few exceptions to this rule but they happen to be Nobel laureates. However the denizens of Word Salad, who are not even worthy to scratch my butt, will not be admitted. Just kidding, you can scratch my butt any time you want.
Your truly,
The Exquisite ,Linda c.
Note 1: intended as an affectionate jab -- I won’t bother looking back, but I recall an earlier post where you stated that you are no FUCKING (my emphasis) good at math. And so what? I’m clearly no fucking good at public policy issues but you seem be. And good for you. It just happens that I’m fucking (christ now I’m talking like you) good at math, always have been, it’s my major, sorry. Maybe it’s because I was “conceived in a public toilet.” Who knows who cares.
Boring.
So, Linda C., you're a sophomore math student. I'm guessing that the Laureates that read your blog, then, won their Nobel Prizes in Mathematics. And you know what? I agree. Every living Nobel Laureate in Mathematics reads your blog and hangs on its every word. Because there are no such Laureates. "Identically zero," if you'll indulge me talking shop.
Also, doing an undergraduate degree in math at an Ivy League school is a waste; you should've saved your money to do grad studies there.
In short: Linda C. loses. Again.
Sean, you're a turd and Laurie is a turd. Why don't you two get together and make some baby turds?
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