More Stamp History

Well, I decided that I would also post a little bit of history about stamps. Mine, I think, is more factually accurate than Stephanie's, but who knows? I'm no stampologist.

Well, back in the late 1700s, in a little ole country called America, some real cool dudes (aka the founding fathers) were sitting around the table drinking Hennessey or some other top shit. Anyway, George Washington, the duke of America A#1, was out of town doing some models or something, and Benjamin Franklin, who it's apparently all about, was like "Man, I need to tell George something before he gets back, but not immediately." So there was no need to invent the telephone. Not until years later, when some dude wanted to breathe heavily in a girl's ear, but her ear was with the rest of her body three blocks away and he couldn't wait until the next fortnight's makeout party to do it. That man's name was John Telephone, inventor of the telephone, and later, mustard gas. That's a real crazy story, though, and I'll save it for when the week's topic is mustard gas (hint hint). Anyway, John Hancock had the brilliant idea that they should invent a service that would carry Benny F's note to Georgio, and give that note to him, maybe even telling him who it was from or something so he didn't get all crazy banging those models and contemplating who must have sent him the note. They called this invention the "United States Postal Service," not to be confused with the two man band of a similar name that would be invented by Franklin's descendant two hundred and some odd years later and have a pretty decent album. But there was one problem. People started using the mail for all sorts of bad stuff, because it was free, and whenever something's free, motherfuckers always abuse it. Like when those machines at the grocery store spit out coupons, people always pull a million out and let them fall on the floor, because they think it's funny. Well, how funny would you think it was if I came to your house and dumped all your spoons on the floor? Somebody's got to clean that shit up. Buck up. Anyway, people were mailing porno pics of Betsy Ross (well, naked stick figures and embroideries of Betsy Ross, since photography wasn't invented either), and they were mailing practical jokes, like "Is your ice box running? Then thouth better go catch it!" I don't really know if ice boxes were invented. What am I, a professor of such garbage? Anyway, to remedy these problems, they decided that mailing crap should cost money, and that stamps needed to be invented. So many year passed and people would mail each other letters like "Dear Mabel, World War I has started," or "Dear Lyndon B. Johnson, JFK was just killed, so now guess who's the president? (Flip over for answer)". Also, in the 60s some lothario named Thomas Pynchon wrote a book about a post office conspiracy. Sounds boring? Well, it was really po-mo, as the literature and writing students say, but fuck those dudes. Pynchon later faded into obscurity. Then, in the 90s the Internets was invented. I know it wasn't really invented in the 90s, but the 90s is when I first got it, so that's when it became important. So people no longer needed the post office and stamps, and all the postal employees started whining and moaning and shooting people and crying. Wah wah, motherfuckers. Sorry technology happens and shit. You should use John Telephone's other invention, the Shutthefuckupatron. That oughtta keep you quiet. Also, all the people mentioned in this story are now dead. The End.