I could crush your skull - like a nut - but I'm not going to - because I need you.

I'm really not sure what to say about this week's topic. I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm supposed to write about. Do I feel old? Not really; sometimes I do, maybe when I'm talking to people younger than me, like my younger brother, who's ten years younger than I (when I realize he will be 17 this year, that *does* make me feel slightly "old"), but most of the time, actually, I feel very young. I am the youngest person where I work.

I can't really look at pop culture and decide whether or not that makes me young or old- I have almost always derided most things that are "popular." Anymore, things that are popular have a shelf life of a few days, so trying to keep up with what's hip, for someone with a job and a life, would be impossible. I do get nostaligic sometimes- once a year I will listen to 80s music for a couple of days and get nostalgic for being young and riding in my mom's car, listening to shitty mix stations on the radio. But that only lasts a couple of days. Personally, I hate nostalgia. It's like a disease.

The only thing that makes me feel "old" in a strange way is when I look at people I know and what they are doing. The main thing is that I am still in college, and won't be graduating until I am 28. That makes me feel, not necessarily old, but kinda crappy. I got started late; I hated LCCC, but had to get a full-time job so commuting out of town was not happening, and more flexible classes like hybrid courses or distance learning weren't as widely known or available, so I didn't go to school. Then I screwed around for a few years. I always knew I'd go back, but I waited a little longer than I wanted to. My hometown also sucked the life out of me. My big "growing-up" moment came when I finally decided to stop screwing around, and that meant moving away from my hometown. Then I started going back to school. Plus it took me that long to figure out exactly what I wanted to do, which I'm glad I did- had I just gone to school for whatever, I would likely be very unhappy now. I managed to figure out what I wanted to do, and now I am hugely passionate about it and very happy with it. But it took a while. Which I think is not abnormal. But it does make me feel "old" in relation to some of my friends who got their degrees already. Though I did manage to get lucky and get a job where I got promoted to making a decent living while I am in school. I don't know if it makes me feel "old" just as much as regretful that it took me so long to get my shit together.

I also feel strange when I think about the people I know who are my age and younger who got married. Usually, I feel like I am still way too young to do that- but sometiems, and this is probably due to where I grew up (rural, conservative, old-fashoined), sometimes it does make me feel old, since I haven't made some sort of huge life committment like getting married (that being the primary one), or buying a house, etc. But when I consider that almost every single one of my friends who got married got a divorce, and the few that didn't have had a hard time in their marriage and have thought about divorcing or getting separated, and all those horror stories, I feel vindicated. People these days are not getting married so quickly. I read an article a few years ago that talked about how "adolescence" is lasting well into the mid and late twenties (and it would probably tell you something about me to know that I saved that Time magazine issue and still have it). People aren't jumping right into a career right after high school, and people aren't sticking with one career or employer for their entire lives. Maybe it's natural, since people live a little longer. Who knows. But I don't feel old. Yet.

But I can say that I like myself now *infinitely* more than I did, say, six years ago. Six years ago I wouldn't even tuck in my shirt, not for anything. I think I didn't even tuck in my shirt for a job interview once. I refused to "dress up." I hated it. Now, I literally have about 75 ties. I realized a couple of weeks ago that 95% of my clothes are "dress" clothes; I had to go out and buy a new pair of jeans and some t-shirts. At work, when I started, my position didn't require a shirt and tie, but I wore them anyways because I really wanted to (and I got promoted to management- the old bromide "dress for success" must mean something). That's one way that I can see how much I've changed. Besides other personal things, such as my confidence level, my shyness, etc., which have also changed.

As far as using pop culture as a guage to see if one is old or young, that's not helpful for me. I've always liked things that are beneath the radar. If anything, the desire to seek out strange, obscure and eclectic music (and movies, though I don't get to watch a lot of movies) has only gotten stronger- I think this has a direct link to the other, more boring parts of my life. I mean, I almost exclusively read political and policy books (for fun!) and I watch an extensive amount of C-Span and news shows and read dozens of political blogs every day. So my musical and movie tatste have increasingly become more and more eclectic and strange.

It's all relative, I guess. I'm the youngest at work, yet often I act the most mature. Everyone has a different definintion of what is young and old. One thing, I will say, that does make me very acutely aware of my advancing age (though does not necessarily make me feel "old") is that I haven't "done" a lot of things that I'd like to do. I'm not "disappointed" with my life, but I haven't got to do a lot. For one thing, I never leave Florida. I haven't left the state of Florida in probably ten years. In my defense, Florida is not an easy state to get out of. From where I live, it would take me close to 9 or 10 hours to leave Florida, and then it's Georgia, which doesn't excite me. And I just haven't had the money/resources to fly places. I just haven't been able to do a whole lot. Of course, that doesn't bother me too much- I plan to vacation somewhere this year, and plan to move out of Florida altogether next year. Other things that I have never done, and am probably now a little past the point where I should start to try them, are things like drugs or something. But seriously, I probably haven't done as much as I'd like to have done by this age, but that doesn't make me feel too horrible. I'm stretching here.

I'm not sure if this is what I was supposed to write about. It's a tough one. I'm very introspective, but I don't spend any time thinking about old and young. There are times when I feel very young, as I can be extremely silly, and I work with people older than me. And there are times when I feel like I am getting older, like when I'm around people younger than myself. There have been moments where I have suddenly felt like I'm too old for my age, as all I do is go to work and then read about politics and public policy- so then I'll feel a need to do something to offset that, or feel the need to reevaluate what I'm doing or something. But those are fleeting moments. It has been a bit of a fight within myself at times to do what I feel is right, and not something based on different perceptions of old and young; where I grew up, it's very old fashioned- people ask "when are you getting married" etc. But, I moved to an urban area, and that sort of attitude is not very prevalent- most people here have told me not to get married until I am older, and most of my co-workers, while older than me, are single. So whatever, I do what I'm gonna do.