Why The Terrorists Have Already Won

I always feel like the end of the week is the worst time for me to post. I'm exhausted, and everybody has already said everything about the topics. Anyway, I decided to talk about the Aqua Teen Hunger Force thing, in a sense, because I like that show. Juice! (Anybody see that episode?) Also, I don't know anything about the constitution, and pretty much agree with Nick that while I would like to see it periodically amended, I would pretty much not want to see it amended in this political climate.

Anyway, I thought I'd try to compile the ten reasons I think the terrorists have already won, apart from the fact that a cartoon advertising campaign now plummets a city into trembling fear. I guess that's a pretty big reason.

10 - 99% of nation's bumper stickers now tied up in patriotism industry, sending Honor Student Beating Up industry into disrepair.

9 - Nation won't admit World Trade Center starring Nicholas Cage is a piece of crap, because they are worried they will be called anti-american and killed by a barage of french new wave dvds launched at their skulls.

8 - They're counting cards.

7 - Somebody might say something about the logistics of fighting a faceless, nationless enemy, but really I think it boils down to the existence of that MTV show "My Super Sweet Sixteen." I know I pretty much gave up on America the first time I saw that. Man, those dumb rich people! In every episode, I just want the camerman to walk on screen and punch those girls in the fucking eyeball. Regular people do not have the Black Eye Peas play at their birthday, except through the tape deck. While they eat cake by themselves and watch Star Trek. And maybe cry a little bit.

6 - Took tips from those who won the drug war. That is, meth heads. Therefore, all the terrorists are in redneck basements, the last place the government would ever think to look. After all, isn't the rebel flag more patriotic than the regular stars and bars? In a twisted sort of way?

5 - Crash won best picture last year. I can't prove it, but I'm sure the terrorists had something to do with that. Did I ever tell you guys I hate that fucking movie?

4 - *THIS REASON DELETED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY*

3 - Endless, endless television specials explaining why we're the greatest generation now that we've had a pearl harbor of our own.

2 - Magic. Let's pump another trillion dollars into fighting them!

1 - The name "Terrorists" is much cooler than "United States." What a boring name. "What shall we call our country? We're a bunch of states, and we're united. Hmmm." Maybe if we change our name to "Indestructibleland" or "Youdon'twanttofuckwiththisopia" then we'd start to get the upper hand. Just a thought. You know, New South Glennshaheenmark is free.



Well, those weren't as funny as I would have liked. It's late!