My friend Ashley suggested that the topic this week be cheap homemade gifts people can make in order to save some dough. (I'll expand that to say feel free to talk about consumerism and Christmas in general if you want.)
As you all know, I am broke. I will probably be broke for the rest of my life. That's a choice I make. (Obviously I am not literally broke, since I am on a computer and not starving to death, but you know, perspective or somethings). So homemade gifts are something that appeal to me. Here's a few ideas for homemade gifts I have, and easy directions you can follow to make them yourself. Enjoy!
1 - Write a nice poem for the person to show you care about them - First, go to graduate school for poetry. Then, find a person you like and start to care about them. (These steps can be reversed). Then write a poem about them. In order to make it good, though, you have to complicate the issues and remove rhymes like "love, dove, glove" or "soul, hole, pole." Replace them with phrases like "a plant starves in winter," "Jupiter in the Heavens and the intricate map of asphalt on earth," or "I want to do it to your butt big time." Give poem to person. Actually, probably you shouldn't give poem to person. They will think you are totally weird and cheap. Unless you went the butt route. Then give the poem to person for sure.
2 - Bake a big double chocolate fudge cake - First, find a friend. Then, make sure his name is Glenn Shaheen. Then, find some recipe or something. Who am I, Emeril? Finally, give Glenn Shaheen the cake. You can leave now.
3 - Make a collage that isn't creepy - First, get a bunch of magazines. Make sure they are not Hustler, Penthouse, Jugs, Big Black Butts, Suffering Sapphotage!, Monster Cocks In Tiny Socks Quaterly, or *vagina: the journal of new experimental feminist pornography. Then, cut out some pictures that represent the relationship you share with the person. Try not to just cut out teeth or mouths or thumbs and glue them everywhere in the shape of stars. Then, paste the pieces onto a backdrop. If you are so broke you can't afford glue, try not to make a huge deal of how you used your saliva, tears, etc, to make the collage. Also, present the collage to the friend face to face. Don't nail it to their door, pet, or put it on their sleeping body in the middle of the night. Voila! Collage!
4 - Send an E-Card! - Just kidding. Don't fucking send an E-Card.
5 - Make some homemade jewelery - Perhaps you have 100 spoons like I do for some reason. Here's a great excuse to get rid of some of those spoons! First, get a small caliber pistol. Then, shoot holes in like 20 spoons. Try to hold them a little away from your face for safety. Then put a string or some other flexible slender thing through the spoons. There you have it! Christmas necklace! It's like the ear necklace in Universal Soldier. Remember that movie? (I really do have way too many spoons, though. I don't get it).
There you have it! Five cheap, homemade gift ideas from yours truly!
I only have one thing to say about Christmas and commercialism right now. I'm not a Christian, so the dereligiousing of Christmas doesn't bother me. On the other hand, I don't get upset when stores say Merry Christmas or whatever. But as you all know, my favorite holiday for candy's sake is Easter. They have Cadbury creme eggs, and the mini eggs too. And they hadn't infiltrated other holidays. But a couple of weeks ago Laurie (my girlfriend in Houston, not Laurie who posts here) came back from New York with some "Cadbury Ornament Eggs." We thought they might be minty on the inside, because that's Christmassy, but when we bit into them they were just regular Cadbury Creme Eggs. As much as I love those eggs, I was a little disappointed that they had made the leap. And they didn't even change the design of them at all! I mean, eggs? At Christmas? Easter is the thinly veiled pagan fertility festival. Christmas has nothing to do with eggs and fertility. Christmas is the thinly veiled pagan solstice festival.
Oh well, I'll still buy and eat them.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
I remember Universal Soldier. I watched that movie at Scott Ryan's house like 4 times. Did you know Dolph Lundregen has a 160 IQ? You sure as fuck can't tell from his acting in that movie.
I like giving and getting presents, so I don't think consumerism is such a big deal. It's not like the stores are forcing people to shop at gunpoint. Some people bitch that all the hullaballoo takes the spotlight off Jesus, but he probably wasn't even born on the 25th anyway, and everyone knows that Christianity just jacked all the old pagan holidays.
I think Christmas should be about family and stuffing your face and other people's with delicious food, and people can derive whatever spiritual or existential satisfaction they want from that arrangement. I sure plan to.
SOLSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fake pagan celebrations going on in the ghetto on Dec 15-16. All are invited. Costumes mandatory. Gifts accepted, because I am greedy.
glenn, did you read my other blog? how "random" that we both posted about the christmas season during the season... sigh.
Shit, I don't understand. Just what's wrong with a collage from "Jugs or Big Black Butts"? (Do you want to share a subscription?) I'd prefer that over, say, a collage from Martha Stewart Living. Although I confess to having a crush on Martha when she was in jail. Sure, she was well past mid-age, but she had lost weight, she's rich and there's something erotic about a conjugal visit -- you know what I'm saying don't you?.
You might be sorry you bashed Ornament Cremes when I tell you that there are none to be found in the Walgreens here. I asked for them and got a blank stare. And then I wanted one more than ever.
Also, I would like to subtitle this comment "I Know What You Watched Last Weekend."
Post a Comment