Someone showed me this video last night and I can't think of a better place to share it. According to my friend Mark, this is completely legit and his brother in law has the full 2-hour tape. Also, here's a website that gives a little bit of background on the cinematic masterpiece that is the Star Wars Holiday Special.
And since we're already talking about Star Wars I'd like to share one of my new favorite videos, Star Wars trumpet solo. Stacey Hedger, you are a true American hero!
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas Everyone! Hope everyone's having a wonderful time - so wonderful, that they don't feel like writing posts this week, right? I promise I'll post a topic by next Monday.
(Image taken from glennjamesphotography.com)
Also, let me take the time to say goodbye to Jane, and I hope you get better. Jane leaves in 6 days, and is sick, and may not have much access to the internet over in Kyrgysztan, but hopefully we'll still hear from her here or at her own blog.
(Image taken from glennjamesphotography.com)
Also, let me take the time to say goodbye to Jane, and I hope you get better. Jane leaves in 6 days, and is sick, and may not have much access to the internet over in Kyrgysztan, but hopefully we'll still hear from her here or at her own blog.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Gifts to Impress
In an increasingly consumer-driven holiday, giving a homemade gift is nice way of bringing a more personal touch to your gift-giving. Below, I offer up some ideas that go above and beyond making some crafty ornament or a tin of cookies.
The Gift of Life - Give blood or donate an organ. The easy way to do it would be to sign up for a list or go to a blood bank, sure, but if you really want the WOW! factor, get into DIY mode. Imagine the look on your loved one's face when they open up a package and see your kidney waiting inside! You don't need to be a phlebotomist or a surgeon, you just need an exacto (or utility) knife, alcohol, a cooler or fridge, and a bit of nerve. And don't think you can't get anything out of it - if you're really creative you can give yourself great decorative scars. Decorate yourself for Christmas by carving a Christmas tree into your forearm. It's the gift that keeps on giving! If you're really in the giving mood, why not hack off a whole limb? The technology for a bionic arm is already here, it's probably only another 20-25 years before it's available to the public. Surely you can live with just one arm for that long, if it means that your sister has a cool new coat rack for her room.
For Her - Two words - pubic hair. It's the next best thing to "Dick in a Box". There's no bigger turn on - really. You can take the least subtle route and place on on a can of Pepsi the next time she asks you for a drink, and sex is guarranteed. It worked for Clarence Thomas, right? Or you could be a little more clever. Remember the Victorian hair jewelry/artwork Caitlin talked about? Why not make a landscape or a potrait of her? (Note: The portrait will really only work if the woman you are trying to impress is the bearded lady - or one of those people with hypertrichosis).
For Him - Sorry ladies, vagina in a box is a little hard to pull off, not to mention a bit redundant. (Think about it - your "box" in a box?) So you'll have to come up with something a little different. Make a plaster cast of his penis. (He'll probably enjoy this step) Then you can make a mold of it, and make some wonderful items for around the house. Depending on his size, you can either come out with a nice set of salt and pepper shakers, a sinlge bud vase, or perhaps a poker for the fire. Another idea is for you to get some rubber and make a nice chew toy for the dog. Depending on your creativity and gusto (and the amount of objects you make), eventually he'll be so tired of seeing his penis all over the place, he'll be less likely to want to put it in your face. It's a gift that's a win for both giver and givee.
I hope these tips bring some joy to your giving and excitement to your holday season!
The Gift of Life - Give blood or donate an organ. The easy way to do it would be to sign up for a list or go to a blood bank, sure, but if you really want the WOW! factor, get into DIY mode. Imagine the look on your loved one's face when they open up a package and see your kidney waiting inside! You don't need to be a phlebotomist or a surgeon, you just need an exacto (or utility) knife, alcohol, a cooler or fridge, and a bit of nerve. And don't think you can't get anything out of it - if you're really creative you can give yourself great decorative scars. Decorate yourself for Christmas by carving a Christmas tree into your forearm. It's the gift that keeps on giving! If you're really in the giving mood, why not hack off a whole limb? The technology for a bionic arm is already here, it's probably only another 20-25 years before it's available to the public. Surely you can live with just one arm for that long, if it means that your sister has a cool new coat rack for her room.
For Her - Two words - pubic hair. It's the next best thing to "Dick in a Box". There's no bigger turn on - really. You can take the least subtle route and place on on a can of Pepsi the next time she asks you for a drink, and sex is guarranteed. It worked for Clarence Thomas, right? Or you could be a little more clever. Remember the Victorian hair jewelry/artwork Caitlin talked about? Why not make a landscape or a potrait of her? (Note: The portrait will really only work if the woman you are trying to impress is the bearded lady - or one of those people with hypertrichosis).
For Him - Sorry ladies, vagina in a box is a little hard to pull off, not to mention a bit redundant. (Think about it - your "box" in a box?) So you'll have to come up with something a little different. Make a plaster cast of his penis. (He'll probably enjoy this step) Then you can make a mold of it, and make some wonderful items for around the house. Depending on his size, you can either come out with a nice set of salt and pepper shakers, a sinlge bud vase, or perhaps a poker for the fire. Another idea is for you to get some rubber and make a nice chew toy for the dog. Depending on your creativity and gusto (and the amount of objects you make), eventually he'll be so tired of seeing his penis all over the place, he'll be less likely to want to put it in your face. It's a gift that's a win for both giver and givee.
I hope these tips bring some joy to your giving and excitement to your holday season!
Nuts!
My house has one pecan tree in its yard. My mom's house has four. Every other year, these trees drop ginormous loads of pecans onto the ground below them. All we have to do is pick them up and - voila! Presents! There's a place here in town called The Nut House which will crack the pecans for you, so you don't have to go through the arduous process yourself. Some of you might be getting pecans this holiday season. Hell, some of you have already received pecans!
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Plagiarism is quick and easy!
I'm in the process of moving and scrambling to finish my projects at work before my last day (tomorrow), so I will confess to having completely ripped off this post from one of my favorite sites, WikiHow. What's more amazing than the weird stuff that people know how do to is the fact that they find it worth sharing with the rest of the world! So here's how to make a bunch of unique gifts with little more than some old socks:
How to Recycle Your Socks
You've just cleaned out your drawer, and in front of you is a huge pile of old, holey, mismatched socks. You're thinking about throwing them away, but that's just wasteful. Here are some great ways to recycle those socks - perhaps you never realized just how useful socks can be beyond wearing them!
Steps:
1. Make a dust rag. Slip the sock on your hand. Dampen it with water or a furniture polish and clean away! Socks are good for furniture, window sills, computer screens, floor spills, handles, and blinds.
2. Polish your shoes. Old socks make great shoe polishers. You can also use them to shine the shoe after polishing.
3. Make a homemade hacky sack. A hacky sack is a small cloth ball filled with small beads or beans. Cut off about half the top part of a long sock and about three quarters for a short sock. Fill the sock with dried rice, dried peas, or beads. Sew the opening together in a ball shape.
4. Make a drink cozy. This requires a long sock. Cut the whole top of the sock off. Slide it over a bottle to keep the bottle cool (insulated). A shorter sock can be used for cups and cans.
5. Make a coin purse. You'll need an anklet-sized sock for this project. Use the whole sock and decorate this sock bag with sequins, beads, glitter, or any other decorative items you have about the house. Sew a strip of fabric onto the top for a handle, or a zipper across the opening.
6. Make sock dolls. You can also make a sock monkey or a sock puppet. Fill the sock with beans or rice. Glue, sew, or draw on eyes, nose, and mouth. Cut up another old sock into strips and sew on for hair.
7. Keep a pet's paws warm. If you have an ailing animal that is suffering from the cold, old socks can be helpful in keeping their paws warm. If you are a wildlife rehabilitator, another great use for socks is as temporary pouches for baby animals in your temporary care, such as baby joeys, bats, or possums. Any creature that likes a springy and soft warm place to snuggle into will appreciate this and you will be able to hang the sock up if it is a strong old woolen type, to mimic mother animal's pouch.
8. Make muscle relaxing packs. Fill with rice or wheat and sew up the open end. Place in the microwave with a glass of water to heat for 1 minute. Hang around your neck or place on other sore muscles for instant relief. (Note: Always include the glass of water to provide moisture or the pack can catch on fire if it dries out too much after repeated use.)
9. Make a hard-to-reach cleaning stick. Get a ruler (the longer the better) and slip the sock over the end. Attach with an elastic band or staple. Use this to run underneath stoves, fridges, and other hard to reach places. The sock-covered ruler will return lots of fluff and dust and it is easy to wash the sock after each use.
10. Make horse bandages. Cut the foot off the end of a long sock and make a horse bandage. Smaller socks might be suitable for smaller animal bandages on dogs or cats (try children's socks).
11. Make garden soap holders. Gardening can be messy and dirty. Pop a soap bar into the bottom of an old sock and tie a knot around the soap part of the sock. Leave the long part of the sock for tying onto a faucet in the garden. It will be ready for you whenever you need to clean up outside after a gardening session.
12. Sew a quilt or a sock rug. You will need to find the instructions on how to do this (do an internet search) but it is possible to make quilts and rugs from old socks. This gives them extra utility for years to come and is especially neat for those socks with cute patterns or designs that you can't bear to part with.
13. Wash the car or bike. A sock over the hand and you have an instant cleaning cloth that is soft enough for the car body or bike frame. Use one for washing and one for buffing.
14. Make draft protectors. Fill a long sock (knee-high is good) with beans, rice, or other spare filling that you have around the house. Sew or tie up one end and you have an instant, rounded draft protector. If you want to enhance its appearance, add eyes, nose, mouth and maybe feelers or whiskers - whatever sort of animal that you can imagine.
15. Add a tennis ball. The purpose of adding a tennis ball to an old sock can be twofold:
* Make a back and neck soother. Tie the tennis ball inside the end of a long sock. Taking the long end of the sock, toss the sock over your shoulder so that the ball lands on your back. Stand against a wall and lean against the sock and ball. Rub your back up and down against the ball that is squeezed into the wall and it will massage away aches and pains from sport, sitting too long at the computer or any other activities that may have caused back tension. Use a shorter sock for a neck massaging version.
* Make a dog pull-toy. In the same way, place the tennis ball in the end of the sock and tie around it. Take the long end of the sock and tempt your dog to take it. If your dog is playful, a fun tug-of-war is likely to ensue. See Warnings below.
16. Make a sock jump rope. All you have to do is tie about 15 or so long socks in a line and you have a neat jump rope! It's also fun to use different colored socks!
17. Make a dog toy.
* Take a dog's chew bone and put it in an old sock. You can bunch it into a ball and play fetch. The dog will have fun trying to get the bone out. See Warnings below.
* Put an empty plastic water bottle in the sock, tie the end and give to dog. Many dogs seem to love crunching water bottles and the sock stops the plastic from decorating your yard.
18. Save them for moving day. Place valuable glasses, or knick knacks inside the sock sole and wrap the higher part around the bottom. This will give more protection. Add a tag on the outside of the sock, so you remember what is inside. Place in a moving box or inside one of your dresser drawers.
19. Make potpourri holders. Place potpourri inside and sew closed. Great in closets and dresser drawers. Gives off a gentle smell for months.
20. Make a cat toy. Pour Catnip into an old sock and tie it off. Cats love them. Just watch for holes.
21. Start a new trend. Wear two socks of different colors. Make sure that each color matches your outfit. It'd probably work well with Harajuku style. Art from the Middle Ages c. 1300's ("Les Tres Riches Heures de Duc du Berry--January) shows that royalty and the neighborhood landowner wore socks or stockings of different colors. They were actually very fashionable.
22. Make Fingerless gloves. Cut a hole in the heel and cut off the toe of the sock. Stick your thumb in the heel hole and your fingers out the toes. If you want you can tuck under the raw edges where you made the cuts or sew a simple hem.
23. Make a Rifle Rest Bag. Simply fill a tube sock with rice and tie off the open end. Use it to steady the fore-end of your rifle at the shooting range. Make several and put them under the fore-end and the stock to improve your accuracy.
Tips
* You don't have to use only these ideas - use your imagination as well!
* Always launder socks before using them in any of the projects.
* Always sew up any holes in old socks that are destined for any projects required filling. Obviously if you don't, the filling will pour straight out of the hole.
Warnings
* Using a sock as a dog chew toy poses two dangers: it might teach your dog that all socks are chew toys, so try to ensure that it does not look like a sock before you let your dog use it; and ingested socks can cause bowel blockage, a serious concern for your canine companion, so if the sock becomes damaged, you should take it back.
* Young kids will probably need an adult to help with the ideas that involve sewing.
* Be careful when microwaving a sock containing rice, beans, or deer corn. Microwave it for no more than two minutes, and monitor it, as there is a remote chance that it may overheat and catch fire. To ensure that this doesn't happen, always place a mug full of water in the microwave along with the sock.
Things You'll Need
* Old socks
* Dried peas, rices or beads
* Yarn, markers, sequins, or other decorative items
* Needles and thread
* Large cardboard box to store your odd and old socks - to avoid the temptation to toss them away
* Potpourri
* Tennis ball
How to Recycle Your Socks
You've just cleaned out your drawer, and in front of you is a huge pile of old, holey, mismatched socks. You're thinking about throwing them away, but that's just wasteful. Here are some great ways to recycle those socks - perhaps you never realized just how useful socks can be beyond wearing them!
Steps:
1. Make a dust rag. Slip the sock on your hand. Dampen it with water or a furniture polish and clean away! Socks are good for furniture, window sills, computer screens, floor spills, handles, and blinds.
2. Polish your shoes. Old socks make great shoe polishers. You can also use them to shine the shoe after polishing.
3. Make a homemade hacky sack. A hacky sack is a small cloth ball filled with small beads or beans. Cut off about half the top part of a long sock and about three quarters for a short sock. Fill the sock with dried rice, dried peas, or beads. Sew the opening together in a ball shape.
4. Make a drink cozy. This requires a long sock. Cut the whole top of the sock off. Slide it over a bottle to keep the bottle cool (insulated). A shorter sock can be used for cups and cans.
5. Make a coin purse. You'll need an anklet-sized sock for this project. Use the whole sock and decorate this sock bag with sequins, beads, glitter, or any other decorative items you have about the house. Sew a strip of fabric onto the top for a handle, or a zipper across the opening.
6. Make sock dolls. You can also make a sock monkey or a sock puppet. Fill the sock with beans or rice. Glue, sew, or draw on eyes, nose, and mouth. Cut up another old sock into strips and sew on for hair.
7. Keep a pet's paws warm. If you have an ailing animal that is suffering from the cold, old socks can be helpful in keeping their paws warm. If you are a wildlife rehabilitator, another great use for socks is as temporary pouches for baby animals in your temporary care, such as baby joeys, bats, or possums. Any creature that likes a springy and soft warm place to snuggle into will appreciate this and you will be able to hang the sock up if it is a strong old woolen type, to mimic mother animal's pouch.
8. Make muscle relaxing packs. Fill with rice or wheat and sew up the open end. Place in the microwave with a glass of water to heat for 1 minute. Hang around your neck or place on other sore muscles for instant relief. (Note: Always include the glass of water to provide moisture or the pack can catch on fire if it dries out too much after repeated use.)
9. Make a hard-to-reach cleaning stick. Get a ruler (the longer the better) and slip the sock over the end. Attach with an elastic band or staple. Use this to run underneath stoves, fridges, and other hard to reach places. The sock-covered ruler will return lots of fluff and dust and it is easy to wash the sock after each use.
10. Make horse bandages. Cut the foot off the end of a long sock and make a horse bandage. Smaller socks might be suitable for smaller animal bandages on dogs or cats (try children's socks).
11. Make garden soap holders. Gardening can be messy and dirty. Pop a soap bar into the bottom of an old sock and tie a knot around the soap part of the sock. Leave the long part of the sock for tying onto a faucet in the garden. It will be ready for you whenever you need to clean up outside after a gardening session.
12. Sew a quilt or a sock rug. You will need to find the instructions on how to do this (do an internet search) but it is possible to make quilts and rugs from old socks. This gives them extra utility for years to come and is especially neat for those socks with cute patterns or designs that you can't bear to part with.
13. Wash the car or bike. A sock over the hand and you have an instant cleaning cloth that is soft enough for the car body or bike frame. Use one for washing and one for buffing.
14. Make draft protectors. Fill a long sock (knee-high is good) with beans, rice, or other spare filling that you have around the house. Sew or tie up one end and you have an instant, rounded draft protector. If you want to enhance its appearance, add eyes, nose, mouth and maybe feelers or whiskers - whatever sort of animal that you can imagine.
15. Add a tennis ball. The purpose of adding a tennis ball to an old sock can be twofold:
* Make a back and neck soother. Tie the tennis ball inside the end of a long sock. Taking the long end of the sock, toss the sock over your shoulder so that the ball lands on your back. Stand against a wall and lean against the sock and ball. Rub your back up and down against the ball that is squeezed into the wall and it will massage away aches and pains from sport, sitting too long at the computer or any other activities that may have caused back tension. Use a shorter sock for a neck massaging version.
* Make a dog pull-toy. In the same way, place the tennis ball in the end of the sock and tie around it. Take the long end of the sock and tempt your dog to take it. If your dog is playful, a fun tug-of-war is likely to ensue. See Warnings below.
16. Make a sock jump rope. All you have to do is tie about 15 or so long socks in a line and you have a neat jump rope! It's also fun to use different colored socks!
17. Make a dog toy.
* Take a dog's chew bone and put it in an old sock. You can bunch it into a ball and play fetch. The dog will have fun trying to get the bone out. See Warnings below.
* Put an empty plastic water bottle in the sock, tie the end and give to dog. Many dogs seem to love crunching water bottles and the sock stops the plastic from decorating your yard.
18. Save them for moving day. Place valuable glasses, or knick knacks inside the sock sole and wrap the higher part around the bottom. This will give more protection. Add a tag on the outside of the sock, so you remember what is inside. Place in a moving box or inside one of your dresser drawers.
19. Make potpourri holders. Place potpourri inside and sew closed. Great in closets and dresser drawers. Gives off a gentle smell for months.
20. Make a cat toy. Pour Catnip into an old sock and tie it off. Cats love them. Just watch for holes.
21. Start a new trend. Wear two socks of different colors. Make sure that each color matches your outfit. It'd probably work well with Harajuku style. Art from the Middle Ages c. 1300's ("Les Tres Riches Heures de Duc du Berry--January) shows that royalty and the neighborhood landowner wore socks or stockings of different colors. They were actually very fashionable.
22. Make Fingerless gloves. Cut a hole in the heel and cut off the toe of the sock. Stick your thumb in the heel hole and your fingers out the toes. If you want you can tuck under the raw edges where you made the cuts or sew a simple hem.
23. Make a Rifle Rest Bag. Simply fill a tube sock with rice and tie off the open end. Use it to steady the fore-end of your rifle at the shooting range. Make several and put them under the fore-end and the stock to improve your accuracy.
Tips
* You don't have to use only these ideas - use your imagination as well!
* Always launder socks before using them in any of the projects.
* Always sew up any holes in old socks that are destined for any projects required filling. Obviously if you don't, the filling will pour straight out of the hole.
Warnings
* Using a sock as a dog chew toy poses two dangers: it might teach your dog that all socks are chew toys, so try to ensure that it does not look like a sock before you let your dog use it; and ingested socks can cause bowel blockage, a serious concern for your canine companion, so if the sock becomes damaged, you should take it back.
* Young kids will probably need an adult to help with the ideas that involve sewing.
* Be careful when microwaving a sock containing rice, beans, or deer corn. Microwave it for no more than two minutes, and monitor it, as there is a remote chance that it may overheat and catch fire. To ensure that this doesn't happen, always place a mug full of water in the microwave along with the sock.
Things You'll Need
* Old socks
* Dried peas, rices or beads
* Yarn, markers, sequins, or other decorative items
* Needles and thread
* Large cardboard box to store your odd and old socks - to avoid the temptation to toss them away
* Potpourri
* Tennis ball
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
The Season Of Giving (And Getting)
My friend Ashley suggested that the topic this week be cheap homemade gifts people can make in order to save some dough. (I'll expand that to say feel free to talk about consumerism and Christmas in general if you want.)
As you all know, I am broke. I will probably be broke for the rest of my life. That's a choice I make. (Obviously I am not literally broke, since I am on a computer and not starving to death, but you know, perspective or somethings). So homemade gifts are something that appeal to me. Here's a few ideas for homemade gifts I have, and easy directions you can follow to make them yourself. Enjoy!
1 - Write a nice poem for the person to show you care about them - First, go to graduate school for poetry. Then, find a person you like and start to care about them. (These steps can be reversed). Then write a poem about them. In order to make it good, though, you have to complicate the issues and remove rhymes like "love, dove, glove" or "soul, hole, pole." Replace them with phrases like "a plant starves in winter," "Jupiter in the Heavens and the intricate map of asphalt on earth," or "I want to do it to your butt big time." Give poem to person. Actually, probably you shouldn't give poem to person. They will think you are totally weird and cheap. Unless you went the butt route. Then give the poem to person for sure.
2 - Bake a big double chocolate fudge cake - First, find a friend. Then, make sure his name is Glenn Shaheen. Then, find some recipe or something. Who am I, Emeril? Finally, give Glenn Shaheen the cake. You can leave now.
3 - Make a collage that isn't creepy - First, get a bunch of magazines. Make sure they are not Hustler, Penthouse, Jugs, Big Black Butts, Suffering Sapphotage!, Monster Cocks In Tiny Socks Quaterly, or *vagina: the journal of new experimental feminist pornography. Then, cut out some pictures that represent the relationship you share with the person. Try not to just cut out teeth or mouths or thumbs and glue them everywhere in the shape of stars. Then, paste the pieces onto a backdrop. If you are so broke you can't afford glue, try not to make a huge deal of how you used your saliva, tears, etc, to make the collage. Also, present the collage to the friend face to face. Don't nail it to their door, pet, or put it on their sleeping body in the middle of the night. Voila! Collage!
4 - Send an E-Card! - Just kidding. Don't fucking send an E-Card.
5 - Make some homemade jewelery - Perhaps you have 100 spoons like I do for some reason. Here's a great excuse to get rid of some of those spoons! First, get a small caliber pistol. Then, shoot holes in like 20 spoons. Try to hold them a little away from your face for safety. Then put a string or some other flexible slender thing through the spoons. There you have it! Christmas necklace! It's like the ear necklace in Universal Soldier. Remember that movie? (I really do have way too many spoons, though. I don't get it).
There you have it! Five cheap, homemade gift ideas from yours truly!
I only have one thing to say about Christmas and commercialism right now. I'm not a Christian, so the dereligiousing of Christmas doesn't bother me. On the other hand, I don't get upset when stores say Merry Christmas or whatever. But as you all know, my favorite holiday for candy's sake is Easter. They have Cadbury creme eggs, and the mini eggs too. And they hadn't infiltrated other holidays. But a couple of weeks ago Laurie (my girlfriend in Houston, not Laurie who posts here) came back from New York with some "Cadbury Ornament Eggs." We thought they might be minty on the inside, because that's Christmassy, but when we bit into them they were just regular Cadbury Creme Eggs. As much as I love those eggs, I was a little disappointed that they had made the leap. And they didn't even change the design of them at all! I mean, eggs? At Christmas? Easter is the thinly veiled pagan fertility festival. Christmas has nothing to do with eggs and fertility. Christmas is the thinly veiled pagan solstice festival.
Oh well, I'll still buy and eat them.
As you all know, I am broke. I will probably be broke for the rest of my life. That's a choice I make. (Obviously I am not literally broke, since I am on a computer and not starving to death, but you know, perspective or somethings). So homemade gifts are something that appeal to me. Here's a few ideas for homemade gifts I have, and easy directions you can follow to make them yourself. Enjoy!
1 - Write a nice poem for the person to show you care about them - First, go to graduate school for poetry. Then, find a person you like and start to care about them. (These steps can be reversed). Then write a poem about them. In order to make it good, though, you have to complicate the issues and remove rhymes like "love, dove, glove" or "soul, hole, pole." Replace them with phrases like "a plant starves in winter," "Jupiter in the Heavens and the intricate map of asphalt on earth," or "I want to do it to your butt big time." Give poem to person. Actually, probably you shouldn't give poem to person. They will think you are totally weird and cheap. Unless you went the butt route. Then give the poem to person for sure.
2 - Bake a big double chocolate fudge cake - First, find a friend. Then, make sure his name is Glenn Shaheen. Then, find some recipe or something. Who am I, Emeril? Finally, give Glenn Shaheen the cake. You can leave now.
3 - Make a collage that isn't creepy - First, get a bunch of magazines. Make sure they are not Hustler, Penthouse, Jugs, Big Black Butts, Suffering Sapphotage!, Monster Cocks In Tiny Socks Quaterly, or *vagina: the journal of new experimental feminist pornography. Then, cut out some pictures that represent the relationship you share with the person. Try not to just cut out teeth or mouths or thumbs and glue them everywhere in the shape of stars. Then, paste the pieces onto a backdrop. If you are so broke you can't afford glue, try not to make a huge deal of how you used your saliva, tears, etc, to make the collage. Also, present the collage to the friend face to face. Don't nail it to their door, pet, or put it on their sleeping body in the middle of the night. Voila! Collage!
4 - Send an E-Card! - Just kidding. Don't fucking send an E-Card.
5 - Make some homemade jewelery - Perhaps you have 100 spoons like I do for some reason. Here's a great excuse to get rid of some of those spoons! First, get a small caliber pistol. Then, shoot holes in like 20 spoons. Try to hold them a little away from your face for safety. Then put a string or some other flexible slender thing through the spoons. There you have it! Christmas necklace! It's like the ear necklace in Universal Soldier. Remember that movie? (I really do have way too many spoons, though. I don't get it).
There you have it! Five cheap, homemade gift ideas from yours truly!
I only have one thing to say about Christmas and commercialism right now. I'm not a Christian, so the dereligiousing of Christmas doesn't bother me. On the other hand, I don't get upset when stores say Merry Christmas or whatever. But as you all know, my favorite holiday for candy's sake is Easter. They have Cadbury creme eggs, and the mini eggs too. And they hadn't infiltrated other holidays. But a couple of weeks ago Laurie (my girlfriend in Houston, not Laurie who posts here) came back from New York with some "Cadbury Ornament Eggs." We thought they might be minty on the inside, because that's Christmassy, but when we bit into them they were just regular Cadbury Creme Eggs. As much as I love those eggs, I was a little disappointed that they had made the leap. And they didn't even change the design of them at all! I mean, eggs? At Christmas? Easter is the thinly veiled pagan fertility festival. Christmas has nothing to do with eggs and fertility. Christmas is the thinly veiled pagan solstice festival.
Oh well, I'll still buy and eat them.
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