I’ve had several conversations lately with various men about how long women can hold grudges. I’m talking years, decades even. I know I’m one of these women, and I know how freaking long I’m willing to hold grudges.
After a while, though, I stop planning revenge. My grudge turns into a dull hatred, a negative reflex upon being reminded of a particular person. The way the mention a certain type of food can get stuck in your throat after you’ve gotten food poisoning from it. When I see these people face-to-face, I usually just ignore them, but not in an overt way. I may ask them to pass the salt, or I may say ‘pardon me’ if they’re in the way, but I don’t ask them any personal, direct questions and rarely look at their faces.
But I will admit to entertaining some pretty awful revenge fantasies. Although for most people I just imagine all their friends leaving them to hang out with me or something, there are a few people I wanted much more severe revenge against. One person I imagined not only hitting with my car (then reversing to hit him again), but I actually hoped that next time I saw him I would have something heavy and blunt available, like a shovel maybe, and smack him in the head with it.
I’m a little aggressive, I’ll admit, but I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone. I think part of the joy and freedom in these fantasies is that I was nearly certain I would never see this person again. Plus, those of you that know that situation understand how royally abused I was and how long (in years) it has taken me to get over some of the emotional (and other) baggage I was left with.
And if I saw him today? I’d still consider hitting him in the face, but probably with my fist instead of a shovel. If I saw him sleeping on the street (the place I most likely expect him to appear), I’d probably kick him, but not suffocate him. See? I’m maturing! Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll be over it all enough to simply ignore him as if he were an otherwise decent human being.
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4 comments:
Personally, I'm not very good at holding a grudge. It takes too much effort. I mean, if somebody really wrongs me, then I guess I stay mad for a few months (tops), but after that I always feel the need to make up.
I'm with Glenn. If I am holding a grudge, and I am not aware of it (sometimes I do this) I tell myself I need to get over it.
It's too much work to remember all the details of why I am mad at a certain person. Even if they were a real jerk, I would like to forget them as soon as possible.
If I saw them, I would probably try to avoid an encounter at all costs, and if it did come to an encounter, I would neither feign politeness nor be mean.
Sometimes, revenge is a dish that never makes it to the table when media bias rules. And, why should we trust NASA to spend our tax money when they can't even do simple math? Thanks to a great Canadian for setting the record straight. However, I doubt that Mr. Gore will ammend his film since he profits from this disimformation personally.
Here it is: 1934 was the hottest year in U.S. history, and not 1998 as it previously reported by every chicken little and muckraker trying to scare us to death with doom and gloom.
You can read the full story here since Newsweek and Time haven't made any corrections yet:
http://www.cbc.ca/technology/story/2007/08/17/tech-nasatemp070817.html
You guys are probably right. It takes more effort and energy to hold a grudge than it does to forgive and forget. Especially if we're talking about exes, friends, or loved ones. And whether you're a Buddhist, a Christian, an aetheist materialist, or whatever, filling up your life with negative attachments to other people can't be psychologically or spiritually healthy.
But I think there are bullies, jerks, cheaters and psychic vampires who go through life hurting others with impunity because they know that most people don't really want to call them on it. And what to do about them? On one hand, just as many people who "turn the other cheek" do so out of cowardice as out of some kind of moral enlightenment. On the other, nothing allows someone to (secretly) revel in the evil joy of hurting another human being like the pretense of icy, noble justice.
If there is an easy answer or a clear moral high ground here, I can't find it.
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