Gifts to Impress

In an increasingly consumer-driven holiday, giving a homemade gift is nice way of bringing a more personal touch to your gift-giving. Below, I offer up some ideas that go above and beyond making some crafty ornament or a tin of cookies.

The Gift of Life - Give blood or donate an organ. The easy way to do it would be to sign up for a list or go to a blood bank, sure, but if you really want the WOW! factor, get into DIY mode. Imagine the look on your loved one's face when they open up a package and see your kidney waiting inside! You don't need to be a phlebotomist or a surgeon, you just need an exacto (or utility) knife, alcohol, a cooler or fridge, and a bit of nerve. And don't think you can't get anything out of it - if you're really creative you can give yourself great decorative scars. Decorate yourself for Christmas by carving a Christmas tree into your forearm. It's the gift that keeps on giving! If you're really in the giving mood, why not hack off a whole limb? The technology for a bionic arm is already here, it's probably only another 20-25 years before it's available to the public. Surely you can live with just one arm for that long, if it means that your sister has a cool new coat rack for her room.

For Her - Two words - pubic hair. It's the next best thing to "Dick in a Box". There's no bigger turn on - really. You can take the least subtle route and place on on a can of Pepsi the next time she asks you for a drink, and sex is guarranteed. It worked for Clarence Thomas, right? Or you could be a little more clever. Remember the Victorian hair jewelry/artwork Caitlin talked about? Why not make a landscape or a potrait of her? (Note: The portrait will really only work if the woman you are trying to impress is the bearded lady - or one of those people with hypertrichosis).

For Him - Sorry ladies, vagina in a box is a little hard to pull off, not to mention a bit redundant. (Think about it - your "box" in a box?) So you'll have to come up with something a little different. Make a plaster cast of his penis. (He'll probably enjoy this step) Then you can make a mold of it, and make some wonderful items for around the house. Depending on his size, you can either come out with a nice set of salt and pepper shakers, a sinlge bud vase, or perhaps a poker for the fire. Another idea is for you to get some rubber and make a nice chew toy for the dog. Depending on your creativity and gusto (and the amount of objects you make), eventually he'll be so tired of seeing his penis all over the place, he'll be less likely to want to put it in your face. It's a gift that's a win for both giver and givee.

I hope these tips bring some joy to your giving and excitement to your holday season!