I hate to be a shameless self promoter

but not enough to not post this.

I have a new blog where I review anything. Check it out if you like.

http://reviewsreviewsreviews.blogspot.com

*ahem*

Some of us have moved; others have stayed put.
Some of us have been very busy finishing semesters; others have been lazy.
Some of us have (temporarily) run out of topic ideas; others are shy about being the first one back.
Some of us are just bored.

We still like you, Dear Readers, and miss your comments.
But what, at this point, can bring you back? We've proven ourselves shamefully unreliable. We apologize for that, but make no promises to change our behavior in the future.

Would you like a new format? A change of pace? To participate more? To find new blog authors? It's okay if you do. But tell us, please.

Because every time I see this blog listed on my profile, I have to click on it just to make sure there's nothing new. It sort of feels like a rotted toenail that I can't stop picking at, but am afraid to rip off, just in case it spontaneously comes back to life.

I don't want the Supergroup to be a rotted toenail.

Do you?

Star Wars Holiday Special

Someone showed me this video last night and I can't think of a better place to share it. According to my friend Mark, this is completely legit and his brother in law has the full 2-hour tape. Also, here's a website that gives a little bit of background on the cinematic masterpiece that is the Star Wars Holiday Special.



And since we're already talking about Star Wars I'd like to share one of my new favorite videos, Star Wars trumpet solo. Stacey Hedger, you are a true American hero!

resolved: that those super-wealthy 20-somethings need to get over themselves.

thanks for the all critics topic stephanie! this ought to generate some comments...
here are my suggestions:

everyone running for president on either side: have a mad drunken party together before the primaries. let the press in once everyone’s good and sauced.

george lucas: redo the last few star wars, and hire a director this time. maybe kevin smith? that would be fun.

al sharpton: realize that it’s not all because you’re black. some of it is because you’re an idiot.

michael vick: pit yourself against one of your pitbulls. oh yeah, and the loser gets shot.

bill watterson: give us more calvin & hobbes!

will smith: pat yourself on the back, my man! america has an actual american manly action hero again. (anyone else notice that our macho actors lately are euros/aussies?)

europe/australia: keep turning them out – we could use more macho action heroes.

whiny welfare people: stop whining about it, get into rehab, and then get a job. then actually work hard at the job. even burger-flippers and janitors get promoted if they flip burgers or janite with a good attitude.

hollywood writers on strike: stay there. then maybe the couch potatoes will move their asses and work on their own getting-healthier resolutions.

tippi hendron: save more critters. yay for shambala!

paris hilton: shop at kmart – after all, you’re only inheriting $5million now – got to tighten that budget...

the dog whisperer: go back to mexico for a while and then set a good example by emigrating- legally this time. i’m sure you could get a sponsor without too much trouble.

kim jong-il: watch team america: world police.

neil gaiman: i agree with stephanie. write the book. please.

on a side note, for christmas 2003 i was given a latchhook set. i resolved to complete the thing the next year (2004). i’m proud to report that i hooked the last latch at about 11:47pm on the 31st. this year i started a cross-stitch project. if we’re still blogging in 2012, i’ll let you know how it goes.

New Year

New Year's Resolution #1 - Try to post more often and on time!

But what fun is making New Year's resolutions for yourself? It only ends in disappointment and shame when you don't follow through, and let's be honest, how many of us really keep up with them after the first week? So - I've decided that this week's theme is writing resolutions for other people. It can be people you know, people you don't, celebrities, pets, whatever. (This was actually inspired in part by something done in Sunday school, where there was a top 10 list of resolutions for fictional characters). I figured this would be a nice fun, easy post for us to do - as many will probably be hung over tomorrow (and maybe a day or two after depending on the binges going on tonight)

These are in no particular order

10. Tom Hanks: Will play some truly despicable character. One that has no redeeming quality that ultimately makes the audience like him anyways.


9. Tim Burton: Will cast someone other than Johnny Depp in next movie. (Don't get me wrong - I love Johnny Depp, but there has to be some other actor that can pull off weird, dark, and brooding!)

8. Jessica Simpson: Will have vocal chords removed to prevent any further butchering of perfectly lovely songs. (I practically had a stroke every time I heard her rendition of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" while I was shopping) Everyone just watches her on mute anyway, right?

7. Neil Gaiman - Will finish and print new book! (No pressure Neil - you're worth the wait!)

6. Britney Spears and anyone related to Britney Spears (through marriage and blood) - Will have vasectomy/hysterectomy to keep from further polluting and dragging down the gene pool.

5. Han Solo: Will change name to not sound like a euphemism for masturbation. And maybe bag a chick other than one that is incestuous/has pastries for hair.

4. Stephen Colbert : Will try to reign it in a little - there is such a thing as being too funny. (Who am I kidding? No there's not!)

3. Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt: Will try to adopt the whole of Africa and Asia by the end of the year. As well as singlehandedly rebuilding New Orleans (they're going to need somplace to put all of those kids).

2. Steve Jobs : Will try to come out with technology people can actually afford to buy right away, rather than 3 years down the line when something better has come out. (Oh - but keep making the Mac vs. PC commercials - love 'em!)

1. The Shins - Will try to get back into the independent music scene - they are too good for the general population to enjoy. ( I almost puked when I heard one of their songs playing in Burger King one day)

Ok, so a pathetic attempt at humor. I'm sick - again, so it's a little sub-par. For those of you not feeling this particular topic, why not take Sean's suggestion and make predictions for the coming year.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas Everyone! Hope everyone's having a wonderful time - so wonderful, that they don't feel like writing posts this week, right? I promise I'll post a topic by next Monday.






(Image taken from glennjamesphotography.com)
Also, let me take the time to say goodbye to Jane, and I hope you get better. Jane leaves in 6 days, and is sick, and may not have much access to the internet over in Kyrgysztan, but hopefully we'll still hear from her here or at her own blog.

word on the street

in san diego, the word is "do". there are so many, many interests, focuses, life paths, whatevers here, yet i scarcely find someone who is not passionate about "doing" whatever it is they do. i don't necessarily mean in the career sense - some people slack off with fervor. and people do so much! many of them have the means to not need to either. for example, yesterday i spoke to a soccer mom who also works full time at a preschool, is about to complete a masters degree, and volunteers hours every week at a church sunday school program. and she loves it! another person i know works full time as an accountant, just finished his economics degree, is working on a private pilot's license, and still has time for surfing and target shooting.
i don't remember so much being done by anyone anywhere else i've been. so yeah. do.

then there's me. i have no idea what my word is. i've been called crazy, dorky, creative, smart-butt, animal freak, and a bunch of other stuff. i'd almost have to go with "confused" except that i'm mostly comprised of a bunch of lucid moments that just don't go together - like flipping through channels on tv.
ok, so i'm a channel-changer (if hyphenated words count).

Grease is the word

But not my word.

It's funny that this is the topic, because I was thinking about something similar the other day. If this were the era in Pride and Prejudice (Elizabethan? Victorian? I should know this...), my one word would be "accomplished", I think. Well, here's an excerpt:

``All young ladies accomplished! My dear Charles, what do you mean?''

``Yes all of them, I think. They all paint tables, cover skreens, and net purses. I scarcely know any one who cannot do all this, and I am sure I never heard a young lady spoken of for the first time, without being informed that she was very accomplished''

``Your list of the common extent of accomplishments,'' said Darcy, ``has too much truth. The word is applied to many a woman who deserves it no otherwise than by netting a purse, or covering a skreen. But I am very far from agreeing with you in your estimation of ladies in general. I cannot boast of knowing more than half a dozen, in the whole range of my acquaintance, that are really accomplished.''

``Nor I, I am sure,'' said Miss Bingley.
`
`Then,'' observed Elizabeth, ``you must comprehend a great deal in your idea of an accomplished women.''

``Yes; I do comprehend a great deal in it.''

``Oh! certainly,'' cried his faithful assistant, ``no one can be really esteemed accomplished, who does not greatly surpass what is usually met with. A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half deserved.''

``All this she must possess,'' added Darcy, ``and to all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading.''

Painting, music, singing, modern languages, extensive reading - I'm there! Mr. Darcy, I'm yours! Though "accomplished" was really only a status wealthier women could claim, so odds are, my word would have been "homely" and I would have been someone's chambermaid somewhere.

So my word? I would love to say "witty", but does that really describe me and all that I do or think about? I think "creative" would certainly fit, but I like the term "artsy" a little more. (Dubbed by one of my coworkers upon seeing my self-given henna tattoo) It conveys a little more of an attitude, though it may also have the connotation of "flighty", which I would not attribute to myself. "Creative" can be applied to all sorts of people, from Martha Stewart-like crafters to Van Gogh, but "artsy" implies more of a way of being. Since I do more than just paint or draw - like sing, act, write, and um - other stuff - it fits.

Is "artsy" the word for Lake City? Hardly. Nor do I think that's the word for Orlando (where I went to school - in case you didn't . When I think of Orlando words like "entertainment", "tacky", and "money" come to mind. So where does one who's "artsy" reside? Austin, TX? I've heard good things about that place, though I'm not so sure about living in Texas. New Orleans? Hmmm...probably not a good idea, esp. since I'd like to move away from the south to someplace a little colder. Of course maybe the good thing about being "artsy" is that you can always find a way to make the city you live in fit with your word.

One Word

I've recently been reading and long-distance-book-clubbing Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. You may have seen 4 million copies of this book prominently displayed in the front of your local large chain bookstore since the author went on Oprah. Although this is not at all the type of book I would usually pick up for myself, one of my friends saw the Oprah interview, told me about it, and we decided to read it together. And, a little surprisingly, I've really enjoyed it so far.

The basic idea is that the author goes through a rough divorce and a minor mental breakdown and realizes when it's all over that she's unhappy and has the means and desire to basically take a year off. She spends 4 months in Italy eating pasta, eating pastries, drinking cappuccinos, eating delicious cheeses, and gaining a lot of weight, and she's delighted by it. Then she spends 4 months in India at an ashram studying yoga, practicing meditation, regaining self-confidence, and getting her spiritual life in order again. This is as far as I've read, but in the final section she travels to Indonesia to live with a monk or something.

Throughout the book she has a lot of interesting insights and presents them with an unapologetic but not preachy voice. In Rome, she picks up the idea of finding one word to describe a person or place. Here's the dialogue, picking up where the author is talking with an Italian friend and realizing that, as much as she loves Rome, she's really just a tourist:

Giulio said, "Maybe you and Rome just have different words."
"What do you mean?"
He said, "Don't you know that the secret to understanding a city and its people is to learn--what is the word of the street?"
Then he went on to explain, in a mixture of English, Italian and hand gestures, that every city has a single word that defines it, that identifies most people who live there. If you could read people's thoughts as they were passing you on the street of any given place, you would discover that most of them are thinking the same thought. Whatever that majority thought might be--that is the word of the city. And if your personal word does not match the word of the city, then you don't really belong there.
"What's Rome's word?" I asked.
"SEX," he announced.
"But isn't that a stereotype about Rome?"
"No."
"But surely there are some people in Rome thinking about other things than sex?"
Giulio insisted: "No. All of them, all day, all they are thinking about is SEX."
"Even over at the Vatican?"
"That's different. The Vatican isn't part of Rome. They have a different word over there. Their word is POWER."
"You'd think it would be FAITH."
"It's POWER," he repeated. "Trust me. But the word in Rome--it's SEX."
...
Giulio asked, "What's the word in New York City?"
I thought about this for a moment, then decided. "It's a verb, of course. I think it's ACHIEVE."
(Which is subtly but significantly different from the word in Los Angeles, I believe, which is also a verb: SUCCEED. Later, I will share this whole theory with my Swedish friend Sofie, and she will offer her opinion that the word on the streets of Stockholm is CONFORM, which depresses both of us.)
I asked Giulio, "What's the word in Naples?" He knows the south of Italy well.
"FIGHT," he decides.

I've talked with a few people about this. My friend who's reading this with me decided her word is create, as she's constantly creating creative creations, if you will. My word is zest, as I try to always look at life with passion, excitement, and, well, zest. Talking with another DC-dweller, we decided DC's word is politics, but in a way that reflects more than what happens on Capitol Hill. In DC, politics invades the lives of everyone who lives there on many levels. I know several people who, after leaving a job on bad terms, were reminded of what a "small town" Washington is. Networking is king, lasting friendships are an afterthought.

I've realized that zest does not fit well with politics, and this is fine, because a lot of other people fit better with DC and I'm sure a lot of cities fit better with me. Since I've only been in Columbus for 24 hours so far, I can't choose it's word yet-- I think you have to live some place for at least two years before you know it well enough to pick a word for it.

What about your word? or the word for some of the places you've lived? Or for people you know? How does your word fit with the place you are now? And does this all mean anything?

I like alone time

Although I definitely see the appeal of performing in front of large groups of applauding people (in a perfect world, I would be a Broadway musical actress), most of the activities I do that I would call "hobbies" involve sitting quietly by myself, possibly in front of the TV after dinner.

I've found that after working eight hours plus commuting, my brain is tired. It wants to relax and detox a little after the day. But I can't usually sit still in front of the TV, vegging out. I have to keep busy with something.

Just recently I finished my 4-year project of putting all my (pre-digital) photos, maps, ticket stubs, etc., from the 4 months I lived in London and traveled through Europe in scrapbooks. These weren't those fancy-schmancy scrapbooks with the cropping shears and gingham paper and crazy stickers... and yet, it still took me 4 years to make about 6 books total. I felt super-accomplished after this.

But then I needed other things to do in the evenings. I designed and printed a couple t-shirts for myself, one of Glenn's poetry (did I ever send you a picture of that, Glenn?) and one of my friend Evan's poetry, both of which I've gotten a lot of compliments on. I plan to do more of this next week when I move to Columbus because I've had too much going on to develop more (and now I have PhotoShop, so that should be easier). I've designed a couple other shirts for myself by cutting out images on some of my favorite old shirts that had gotten way too small (I'm sure it wasn't that I got too big) and sewing them in different ways to new shirts.

I also try to keep myself doing and learning something physical, although I haven't had the opportunity lately. I recently was a regular practicer of yoga, kick boxing, and flamenco dancing. Every one of those was really fun, but I'm especially hoping to get back into yoga and possibly some meditation in Columbus.

Now that I'm moving and won't have a basic nine-to-six-plus-metro-time job, I'll be able to set my own schedule more to keep myself from getting so burnt out during the day. Who knows what will develop from there!

I Like Attention

That's pretty much the motive behind my hobbies. Theater, singing, blogging/writing, art - not only do I get to be creative, but generally I also get all sorts of praise for doing it.

I suppose that's not the only reason. I do get a thrill knowing I actually entertained someone else. Knowing that I made someone laugh is more of a reward than anything I can think of (well - besides money - if anyone wants to pay me for doing what I love, I'm there)(wait - that doesn't make me a whore, does it?).

Hmmm...that's not very long for a post - I suppose I'd better go a little more in depth. With theater, I can act like the biggest idiot onstage, and as long as it's part of the character, I'm not vulnerable to ridicule for acting that way. That, and well, theater people in general act like complete idiots around each other, so I can get away with it even when I'm not onstage. It's a nice break from having to act all smart, resonsible, and nice when I'm at work - cathartic, if you will.

The same can go for blogging. I can vent all the frustrations I have and then pretty much forget about it. Or, if I can't forget about it, I can generally present it in an amusing way that makes the situation not seem as bad as it is. It's also a great way to let all my friends know what's going on in my life without having to write each of them individually. I'm terrible at keeping in touch, so odds are without my blog, I wouldn't hear much from any of my friends. (Alright, that may be a little bit of a lie - myspace and facebook help me keep in touch as well)

As far as art goes, I hate to call that a hobby. It doesn't seem like I should, since I have a BFA and all. However, as time goes on, I'm spending less and less time on my artwork. I make time for everything else, and I suppose this is one more thing I should try to make time for. But I don't just do it to entertain others or for the praise - that makes it sound like I put more value on the opinions of others than I really do. I don't suppose that's why I do any of these things. Something in my soul just needs it to get by.

But don't get me wrong - I'm still an attention-whore despite that.

why do we...?

okay, this is filling in for jane's topic:
i'm sure i've mentioned the half-marathon a few times. i ran it last weekend in tucson, and didn't do so badly, if i do say so myself. i hadn't trained enough though(read: had barely trained at all) so my muscles paid for the run all this week. and yet, i'm already excited about the next run. "Next?!?!? i catch myself asking,'what the hell is wrong with you?!?"
which brings me to this week's topic: hobbies. why do we (personally or humanity as a whole) do all those weird things that have no practical value? stamp collecting? genealogcal research? playing musical instruments when one isn't any good? watching/following professional sports... what's the motivation?
sure, some things are for therapy or entertainment.
i guess i'm asking:
1)what are your hobbies/why? and
2)what reasons do you think there are for hobbies to exist as part of the human experience/what actual purpose does the practice of a hobby serve?

i've already mentioned running, which i forsee becoming more of a hobby than it has been. i'm excited to train this time instead of dreading it - look for me in the san diego rock 'n' roll marathon next june if i don't get some kind of an injury before then...
then there's the writing. i've yet to gain any money/fame/what have you from the writing, and if i'm depressed/angry and i write about it i generally get more frustrated, so i don't see a physical or mental benefit, but i continue to scribble or type random snippets, poems, short prose, chunks of historical fiction novels, etc. i have no clue why i so often want to put things on paper/screen.
i also like baking. this has a benefit: i get to eat yummy stuff. i could, however, purchase very nearly as yummy and significantly cheaper goodies at the dollar store. since i'm fairly poor, that might be a more reasonable option, but i don't take advantage of it. i stand on the hard floor until my legs and feet ache stir and knead until my hands hurt, burn myself pretty often, risk knife cuts, and get dry skin on my hands from washing/drying so often. then sometimes whatever i'm making doesn't turn out and i waste everything. there might be some instinctive domestic urges involved in this hobby, since my ancestors have been "happy" homemakers for pretty much all of recorded history. i like to think that i choose to bake though - maybe so i can share the goodies and feel important when people like them...?
last hobby to mention is that i voluntarily go clean up animal poop on a regular basis. sure, there's some fun stuff connected with that: i get to interact and play with most of the animals, and i get to spend time outdoors using the muscles that would atrophy with my desk job (if i hadn't just taken up running). the fact is though, that most of the time i spend working at the wildlife center is scooping poop and other debris up from enclosures and putting it in a dumpster. this one, i know why i do it. humans create false environments and put animals in them. now the animals don't know how to survive in their natural habitats and are past the age where they could learn how, so they have to remain in captivity. since humans created the problem, it's up to humans to take care of it. i'm a human. thus i feel a sense of responsiblity to help out however i can - especially when i see how it hurts the animals to be captive: they'll get frustrated and pace around their enclosure when i know if they were free they'd be running miles on end just because they could. then i really don't like people. i could go on for hours about how much it bugs me when people don't take responsibility for their actions, but hey, this is about hobbies. so i clean up poop, refill food and water dishes, hand out snacks, and give whatever kind of attention each animal seems to want (sometimes i get it wrong and get beat up). in return - they look forward to seeing me. there is nothing in the world like a cougar recognizing your car and running to fence to greet you, or like a wild fox finally (after 4 years) letting me touch her and feel that stunningly gorgeous fur. i know most people don't have the opportunity to interact with cougars, but so many people keep domestic pets - why?

there are my hobbies, how about yours?
ready, set, go!

insomnia helps this time of year

well, i guess i’m one of those crafty people that gets on other people’s nerves, but i really do make cheap homemade gifts on a fairly regular basis (except for one year when shaggy worked for dss with jane, and we had a lot of money). i own a dehydrator, and love it, so home-dried herbal teas and soup mixes are pretty standard. i’ve also dried craploads of veggies for some pretty good chunky spaghetti sauce mix.... then there’s the sewing. on one occasion i made someone a quilt, but usually it’s something easier – i frequently make and give “butt pillows”. they’re pretty fun, quirky presents that are so simple it’s almost silly:
1) buy cheap multi-packs of boxer shorts, any size, any design (ross, tj maxx, etc. are great places to pay less than $1 per pair). if you want to get really funky, this also works with tighty-whiteys.
2) sew the fly closed first, otherwise you’ll forget
3) turn shorts inside out to sew leg holes closed. then turn them right side out again. the reason for this is that the stitches won’t show, so you can sew as sloppily as you want to (i’m interested to know if one could make these drunk, so if anyone tries, please let me know).
4) sew part of the elastic top closed – be sure to stretch out the elastic while sewing so the thread won’t rip out later.
5) fill with stuffing – this can be bought at a fabric/craft store or ripped out of old pillows/stuffed animals, etc.
6) sew the rest of the top closed.
7) ta-daa!

i find the butt pillows are pretty popular in those white elephant swap-the-gift kind of games. if you want to get really complicated, smaller boxers/briefs can be made into purses/handbags, etc. when i get the copyright, this line will be called “the brief-case”... i know, it’s awful.
another fun cheap gift is home-canned anything. this year i had fun with my crock-pot and turned out both cranberry sauce and apple butter, which i then sealed in jars and tied ribbons on. i was once given a pumpkin-loaf cake that had been baked in the jar and then sealed. i haven’t tried to make them yet because i ran out of jars, but i will try someday. canning really isn’t as difficult as people make it sound either – as long as you have jars and lids with that seal-y ring thing. just fill the jars almost all the way, put the lids on, put the jars in a pot of water, and boil for about 15 minutes. supposedly the jars only seal if there is an inch of water above them, but i’ve found (since my jars were too tall) that as long as the boiling water bubbles over the tops of them, they’ll seal just fine. after the jars have boiled, use tongs or two sticks or whatever you’ve got handy to lift them out of the water. twist the lids on tighter. as the jars cool, the top should “pop” in, creating the seal. if they don’t pop, put them back in the water and boil a few more minutes.
the whole home canning thing can be really fun if you use tiny jars to re-bottle something like ragu sauce. you can legitimately tell someone you home-bottled the spaghetti sauce, and it only takes about 20 minutes to do.
another easy-peasy fun gift is a fleece scarf. most fabric stores have cheap scrap sections, and if you can find a chunk of fleece that’s long enough for a scarf, you’re practically done. some people try to get fancy and hem the edges, but fleece is really cool in that you don’t have to do that. i just fringe the ends by cutting multiple snips of the same lengh into each end and then tying knots in all the fringe pieces. done!
this year i went a tad further with fleece and made some herbal neck wraps – a square of fleece folded in half with the edges sewn together makes the outer pouch, and a square of some other random fabric with a tiny weave with the edges sewn together makes an inner pouch to be stuffed with lavender, sage, mint, cloves, and some rice. herbal neck wraps can be microwaved (i haven’t ever used a glass of water, but i’ve never nuked ‘em for more than a minute at a time either... go ahead and use the glass of water i guess. i’ve also had pretty good success freezing them for a cold pack.
finally, the holiday greeting card is simple – construction paper, scissors, glue, markers, and a bit of glitter paint are super fun to play with, and if the cards come out stupid, you could always tell people your little nephew made them. unless of course you don’t have a nephew. then you’ll have to make up your own lie i guess.
of course, if the cheap present you’re attempting to make is for me... (unless it’s pecans, which are awesome) just send me the two bucks.
cheers!

Gifts to Impress

In an increasingly consumer-driven holiday, giving a homemade gift is nice way of bringing a more personal touch to your gift-giving. Below, I offer up some ideas that go above and beyond making some crafty ornament or a tin of cookies.

The Gift of Life - Give blood or donate an organ. The easy way to do it would be to sign up for a list or go to a blood bank, sure, but if you really want the WOW! factor, get into DIY mode. Imagine the look on your loved one's face when they open up a package and see your kidney waiting inside! You don't need to be a phlebotomist or a surgeon, you just need an exacto (or utility) knife, alcohol, a cooler or fridge, and a bit of nerve. And don't think you can't get anything out of it - if you're really creative you can give yourself great decorative scars. Decorate yourself for Christmas by carving a Christmas tree into your forearm. It's the gift that keeps on giving! If you're really in the giving mood, why not hack off a whole limb? The technology for a bionic arm is already here, it's probably only another 20-25 years before it's available to the public. Surely you can live with just one arm for that long, if it means that your sister has a cool new coat rack for her room.

For Her - Two words - pubic hair. It's the next best thing to "Dick in a Box". There's no bigger turn on - really. You can take the least subtle route and place on on a can of Pepsi the next time she asks you for a drink, and sex is guarranteed. It worked for Clarence Thomas, right? Or you could be a little more clever. Remember the Victorian hair jewelry/artwork Caitlin talked about? Why not make a landscape or a potrait of her? (Note: The portrait will really only work if the woman you are trying to impress is the bearded lady - or one of those people with hypertrichosis).

For Him - Sorry ladies, vagina in a box is a little hard to pull off, not to mention a bit redundant. (Think about it - your "box" in a box?) So you'll have to come up with something a little different. Make a plaster cast of his penis. (He'll probably enjoy this step) Then you can make a mold of it, and make some wonderful items for around the house. Depending on his size, you can either come out with a nice set of salt and pepper shakers, a sinlge bud vase, or perhaps a poker for the fire. Another idea is for you to get some rubber and make a nice chew toy for the dog. Depending on your creativity and gusto (and the amount of objects you make), eventually he'll be so tired of seeing his penis all over the place, he'll be less likely to want to put it in your face. It's a gift that's a win for both giver and givee.

I hope these tips bring some joy to your giving and excitement to your holday season!

Nuts!

My house has one pecan tree in its yard. My mom's house has four. Every other year, these trees drop ginormous loads of pecans onto the ground below them. All we have to do is pick them up and - voila! Presents! There's a place here in town called The Nut House which will crack the pecans for you, so you don't have to go through the arduous process yourself. Some of you might be getting pecans this holiday season. Hell, some of you have already received pecans!

Plagiarism is quick and easy!

I'm in the process of moving and scrambling to finish my projects at work before my last day (tomorrow), so I will confess to having completely ripped off this post from one of my favorite sites, WikiHow. What's more amazing than the weird stuff that people know how do to is the fact that they find it worth sharing with the rest of the world! So here's how to make a bunch of unique gifts with little more than some old socks:

How to Recycle Your Socks
You've just cleaned out your drawer, and in front of you is a huge pile of old, holey, mismatched socks. You're thinking about throwing them away, but that's just wasteful. Here are some great ways to recycle those socks - perhaps you never realized just how useful socks can be beyond wearing them!

Steps:

1. Make a dust rag. Slip the sock on your hand. Dampen it with water or a furniture polish and clean away! Socks are good for furniture, window sills, computer screens, floor spills, handles, and blinds.

2. Polish your shoes. Old socks make great shoe polishers. You can also use them to shine the shoe after polishing.

3. Make a homemade hacky sack. A hacky sack is a small cloth ball filled with small beads or beans. Cut off about half the top part of a long sock and about three quarters for a short sock. Fill the sock with dried rice, dried peas, or beads. Sew the opening together in a ball shape.

4. Make a drink cozy. This requires a long sock. Cut the whole top of the sock off. Slide it over a bottle to keep the bottle cool (insulated). A shorter sock can be used for cups and cans.

5. Make a coin purse. You'll need an anklet-sized sock for this project. Use the whole sock and decorate this sock bag with sequins, beads, glitter, or any other decorative items you have about the house. Sew a strip of fabric onto the top for a handle, or a zipper across the opening.

6. Make sock dolls. You can also make a sock monkey or a sock puppet. Fill the sock with beans or rice. Glue, sew, or draw on eyes, nose, and mouth. Cut up another old sock into strips and sew on for hair.

7. Keep a pet's paws warm. If you have an ailing animal that is suffering from the cold, old socks can be helpful in keeping their paws warm. If you are a wildlife rehabilitator, another great use for socks is as temporary pouches for baby animals in your temporary care, such as baby joeys, bats, or possums. Any creature that likes a springy and soft warm place to snuggle into will appreciate this and you will be able to hang the sock up if it is a strong old woolen type, to mimic mother animal's pouch.

8. Make muscle relaxing packs. Fill with rice or wheat and sew up the open end. Place in the microwave with a glass of water to heat for 1 minute. Hang around your neck or place on other sore muscles for instant relief. (Note: Always include the glass of water to provide moisture or the pack can catch on fire if it dries out too much after repeated use.)

9. Make a hard-to-reach cleaning stick. Get a ruler (the longer the better) and slip the sock over the end. Attach with an elastic band or staple. Use this to run underneath stoves, fridges, and other hard to reach places. The sock-covered ruler will return lots of fluff and dust and it is easy to wash the sock after each use.

10. Make horse bandages. Cut the foot off the end of a long sock and make a horse bandage. Smaller socks might be suitable for smaller animal bandages on dogs or cats (try children's socks).

11. Make garden soap holders. Gardening can be messy and dirty. Pop a soap bar into the bottom of an old sock and tie a knot around the soap part of the sock. Leave the long part of the sock for tying onto a faucet in the garden. It will be ready for you whenever you need to clean up outside after a gardening session.

12. Sew a quilt or a sock rug. You will need to find the instructions on how to do this (do an internet search) but it is possible to make quilts and rugs from old socks. This gives them extra utility for years to come and is especially neat for those socks with cute patterns or designs that you can't bear to part with.

13. Wash the car or bike. A sock over the hand and you have an instant cleaning cloth that is soft enough for the car body or bike frame. Use one for washing and one for buffing.

14. Make draft protectors. Fill a long sock (knee-high is good) with beans, rice, or other spare filling that you have around the house. Sew or tie up one end and you have an instant, rounded draft protector. If you want to enhance its appearance, add eyes, nose, mouth and maybe feelers or whiskers - whatever sort of animal that you can imagine.

15. Add a tennis ball. The purpose of adding a tennis ball to an old sock can be twofold:
* Make a back and neck soother. Tie the tennis ball inside the end of a long sock. Taking the long end of the sock, toss the sock over your shoulder so that the ball lands on your back. Stand against a wall and lean against the sock and ball. Rub your back up and down against the ball that is squeezed into the wall and it will massage away aches and pains from sport, sitting too long at the computer or any other activities that may have caused back tension. Use a shorter sock for a neck massaging version.
* Make a dog pull-toy. In the same way, place the tennis ball in the end of the sock and tie around it. Take the long end of the sock and tempt your dog to take it. If your dog is playful, a fun tug-of-war is likely to ensue. See Warnings below.

16. Make a sock jump rope. All you have to do is tie about 15 or so long socks in a line and you have a neat jump rope! It's also fun to use different colored socks!

17. Make a dog toy.
* Take a dog's chew bone and put it in an old sock. You can bunch it into a ball and play fetch. The dog will have fun trying to get the bone out. See Warnings below.
* Put an empty plastic water bottle in the sock, tie the end and give to dog. Many dogs seem to love crunching water bottles and the sock stops the plastic from decorating your yard.

18. Save them for moving day. Place valuable glasses, or knick knacks inside the sock sole and wrap the higher part around the bottom. This will give more protection. Add a tag on the outside of the sock, so you remember what is inside. Place in a moving box or inside one of your dresser drawers.

19. Make potpourri holders. Place potpourri inside and sew closed. Great in closets and dresser drawers. Gives off a gentle smell for months.

20. Make a cat toy. Pour Catnip into an old sock and tie it off. Cats love them. Just watch for holes.

21. Start a new trend. Wear two socks of different colors. Make sure that each color matches your outfit. It'd probably work well with Harajuku style. Art from the Middle Ages c. 1300's ("Les Tres Riches Heures de Duc du Berry--January) shows that royalty and the neighborhood landowner wore socks or stockings of different colors. They were actually very fashionable.

22. Make Fingerless gloves. Cut a hole in the heel and cut off the toe of the sock. Stick your thumb in the heel hole and your fingers out the toes. If you want you can tuck under the raw edges where you made the cuts or sew a simple hem.

23. Make a Rifle Rest Bag. Simply fill a tube sock with rice and tie off the open end. Use it to steady the fore-end of your rifle at the shooting range. Make several and put them under the fore-end and the stock to improve your accuracy.


Tips
* You don't have to use only these ideas - use your imagination as well!
* Always launder socks before using them in any of the projects.
* Always sew up any holes in old socks that are destined for any projects required filling. Obviously if you don't, the filling will pour straight out of the hole.


Warnings
* Using a sock as a dog chew toy poses two dangers: it might teach your dog that all socks are chew toys, so try to ensure that it does not look like a sock before you let your dog use it; and ingested socks can cause bowel blockage, a serious concern for your canine companion, so if the sock becomes damaged, you should take it back.
* Young kids will probably need an adult to help with the ideas that involve sewing.
* Be careful when microwaving a sock containing rice, beans, or deer corn. Microwave it for no more than two minutes, and monitor it, as there is a remote chance that it may overheat and catch fire. To ensure that this doesn't happen, always place a mug full of water in the microwave along with the sock.


Things You'll Need
* Old socks
* Dried peas, rices or beads
* Yarn, markers, sequins, or other decorative items
* Needles and thread
* Large cardboard box to store your odd and old socks - to avoid the temptation to toss them away
* Potpourri
* Tennis ball

The Season Of Giving (And Getting)

My friend Ashley suggested that the topic this week be cheap homemade gifts people can make in order to save some dough. (I'll expand that to say feel free to talk about consumerism and Christmas in general if you want.)

As you all know, I am broke. I will probably be broke for the rest of my life. That's a choice I make. (Obviously I am not literally broke, since I am on a computer and not starving to death, but you know, perspective or somethings). So homemade gifts are something that appeal to me. Here's a few ideas for homemade gifts I have, and easy directions you can follow to make them yourself. Enjoy!

1 - Write a nice poem for the person to show you care about them - First, go to graduate school for poetry. Then, find a person you like and start to care about them. (These steps can be reversed). Then write a poem about them. In order to make it good, though, you have to complicate the issues and remove rhymes like "love, dove, glove" or "soul, hole, pole." Replace them with phrases like "a plant starves in winter," "Jupiter in the Heavens and the intricate map of asphalt on earth," or "I want to do it to your butt big time." Give poem to person. Actually, probably you shouldn't give poem to person. They will think you are totally weird and cheap. Unless you went the butt route. Then give the poem to person for sure.

2 - Bake a big double chocolate fudge cake - First, find a friend. Then, make sure his name is Glenn Shaheen. Then, find some recipe or something. Who am I, Emeril? Finally, give Glenn Shaheen the cake. You can leave now.

3 - Make a collage that isn't creepy - First, get a bunch of magazines. Make sure they are not Hustler, Penthouse, Jugs, Big Black Butts, Suffering Sapphotage!, Monster Cocks In Tiny Socks Quaterly, or *vagina: the journal of new experimental feminist pornography. Then, cut out some pictures that represent the relationship you share with the person. Try not to just cut out teeth or mouths or thumbs and glue them everywhere in the shape of stars. Then, paste the pieces onto a backdrop. If you are so broke you can't afford glue, try not to make a huge deal of how you used your saliva, tears, etc, to make the collage. Also, present the collage to the friend face to face. Don't nail it to their door, pet, or put it on their sleeping body in the middle of the night. Voila! Collage!

4 - Send an E-Card! - Just kidding. Don't fucking send an E-Card.

5 - Make some homemade jewelery - Perhaps you have 100 spoons like I do for some reason. Here's a great excuse to get rid of some of those spoons! First, get a small caliber pistol. Then, shoot holes in like 20 spoons. Try to hold them a little away from your face for safety. Then put a string or some other flexible slender thing through the spoons. There you have it! Christmas necklace! It's like the ear necklace in Universal Soldier. Remember that movie? (I really do have way too many spoons, though. I don't get it).

There you have it! Five cheap, homemade gift ideas from yours truly!

I only have one thing to say about Christmas and commercialism right now. I'm not a Christian, so the dereligiousing of Christmas doesn't bother me. On the other hand, I don't get upset when stores say Merry Christmas or whatever. But as you all know, my favorite holiday for candy's sake is Easter. They have Cadbury creme eggs, and the mini eggs too. And they hadn't infiltrated other holidays. But a couple of weeks ago Laurie (my girlfriend in Houston, not Laurie who posts here) came back from New York with some "Cadbury Ornament Eggs." We thought they might be minty on the inside, because that's Christmassy, but when we bit into them they were just regular Cadbury Creme Eggs. As much as I love those eggs, I was a little disappointed that they had made the leap. And they didn't even change the design of them at all! I mean, eggs? At Christmas? Easter is the thinly veiled pagan fertility festival. Christmas has nothing to do with eggs and fertility. Christmas is the thinly veiled pagan solstice festival.

Oh well, I'll still buy and eat them.

1/4Life

I suppose I've been having a quarter-life crisis for several years now.

Like Jane, I got out of college and couldn't get a job in my field. In fact, I couldn't really get any job. I tried for art teacher, secretary, retail, etc. However, when they saw the degree in animation on my application they all had the same question. "Where do you think you'll be 5 years from now?" I wasn't about to answer that I thought I'd still be working at a crappy paper company (yes, I would've been Pam from The Office), so I told the truth, and of course didn't get the job. In my mind I hoped that I would be working for some fabulous animation company. OK - honestly, I would've been happy at a crappy animation company - just to be doing the work in my field.

The one thing I wouldn't have answered would be that I thought I'd be working at a library and living back at home with my mother. 5 years haven't passed yet - I still have a little under 2 years, so maybe there's still hope. I don't think I'll get a job at an animation company, but at least there's still time to move away. The library isn't that bad, though I'm not entirely sure I want it as a career.

During the last 3 years and 3 months, I've bounced back and forth between what I thought should be the next step. I've thought about law school, a masters in fashion or interior design, tattooing, and even culinary school. I've toyed with the idea of opening an art store here in Lake City. I'm caught between the idea of staying where I am and moving. (Though usually that's hindered by the fact that I can't ever seem to save any money)

Of course, maybe all of this isn't a true "crisis", just life. It takes time to figure shit out sometimes, and while I may not be sure about the future, I'm not too bad off where I am.

Late Bloomer?

I remember talking about the quarter-life crisis phenomenon near the end of college, but I've never really felt like I was in one. Of course, I didn't hit my big teenage rebellion until I was 19, so maybe it's still coming.

Like most people my age, though, I have been doing my own share of wandering and looking for "my place" in society/the world/the universe. I moved up to DC a few months after college, sight unseen, not knowing any one. I can confess now that I did this mainly for two reasons: 1.) to have something to propel me out of Florida (which is not a terrible place, just the place where I was born, grew up, and went to school, and I wanted something new) and 2.) to get away from living in my parents' house. My parents are pretty great, but eventually that arrangement would probably have ended tragically.

After my first DC job left me ready to come running back to my parents' house in Florida and to declare defeat by DC, I managed to find another one that I've (generally speaking) liked.

But now it's time to move on from that as well. I suppose now is as good a time as any to announce it, so here goes! Over Labor Day, I proposed to my long-term and long-distance boyfriend, and he said yes, which is always nice. He teaches in Columbus, Ohio, and can't relocate, so I'm moving from DC to join him. I have just over a week of work left here, then a week to finish packing, and then I'm off! I plan to work as a consultant to my current company from Columbus and concentrate much more on free-lance and creative writing (and possibly other art projects). And no, no date yet. I'm not ready to get into all the wedding hysteria yet.

Now that I write it out so briefly here, that does seem like a quarter-life crisis (I just turned 26 a couple weeks ago). But it really doesn't feel like that while I'm living it. I feel more like I've given DC a chance and realized that, although it has a lot to offer and I've enjoyed most of my time here, it's not the city for me (more on this in a couple weeks when I pick the topic). On the other hand, I've found someone who is the person for me, so I might as well be with him while I give a new city a try. My visits to Columbus have really impressed me--so far the city (away from the campus) seems to have a good soul--and I'm really excited about the move. Plus, it will be nice to have Congressional representation again, although I don't yet know who those people will be.

MFA

I sort of think my whole life has been a series of unending kinds of crises, so I'm not too sure if I can call my current reevaluation of my life any different than when I decided to be a filmmaker in high school.

See, that's what is called starting "in medias res," because I didn't explain what my crisis was before I started talking about it. Hooked? Well, as you all know and could probably tell from the title, my current situation-that-might-be-viewed-as-a-crisis-by-losers-in-law-school is me going to poetry school for an MFA. See, for a couple of brief semesters I was taking pre-med classes a few years ago, and then I decided that poetry was what I wanted to do, so even though it would put me in a substantial amount of debt and not guarantee me any kind of steady income in my life ever for as long as I live, I dropped all of the pre-med and applied to MFA programs. Now I'm almost done with my MFA here in Houston.

But maybe what is different about this phase in my life is that unlike rock star/astronaut/filmmaker/rock star/novelist/doctor/rock star, I am fully planning on continuing with the poetry writing and hopefully eventually teaching. So much so that I am applying to phds right now, which would be another 5 years of edumacation. So I guess I can understand the need to evaluate one's life in the mid-twenties.

For me the major catalyst for all of this latest change and evaluation started when I taught middle school. Long story short (you've all heard it before)- Sucked, people dumb, students lame, public school bureaucracy unsalvageable. That's when I was really in a funk for a while. I applied to 50 fucking jobs, and the only two I got were at a call center in Lake City where they hire everybody (I quit after I discovered they were going to pay me less than they had promised) and a job as a bag boy at Publix. I moved in with Laurie and her then boyfriend in a house in the Tallahassee ghetto at which we routinely had prostitutes bringing their johns onto our porch. I reenrolled in school to take pre-med classes. I aced them all, but all the pre-med students were whiny jerks, and it just wasn't any fun. My friends in Tallahassee who were all doing poetry stuff seemed to have so much fun, and although I could talk to them about poetry, I felt disconnected from the academic group. So after taking a class with Barbara Hamby, I decided "Fuck all this financial security business, Jeeves, I want to go to poetry school." Poetry was what I did that I liked the best, so why shouldn't I find a way to do that and get paid (someday, perhaps in crackers. Maybe the kind with peanut butter in the middle.) So I applied and got in the end.

Now things are going pretty well, and I'm happy with the decisions I've made, even if I can't get any of you guys to read or like poetry. Oh well! At least I've managed to talk everybody into agreeing that the Original Series is way better than Next Gen.

PS - A BSG milestone - this is the 800th time on Blog Supergroup that I've posted about poetry. A celebration is in order, I believe!